Lost and Found
by minimindbender
Summary: Mac finds something she didn't know she'd lost.
1. Found

A/N: _This takes place after Paraguay. For the purposes of this story, Harm wasn't with the CIA so long, Mac got the therapy she needed right away, Harm never met Mattie, and Sadik is not an issue. It will be a fairly short story (seriously, MAJ8395!)-probably only 2 chapters._

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 1: Found**

 _1731 Local_

 _Harm's Apartment_

 _North of Union Station_

The elevator was out again. Mac often wondered why anyone would have the guts to use the thing given that it was on the fritz more than half the time, but she supposed it was human nature to be lazy if the opportunity presented itself. Especially at the end of a long day.

It had been a long day.

She and Harm had just finished with a court case that saw them on opposing sides, she prosecuting, he defending, and she had beaten him soundly. He had been churlish afterward, refusing her offer of lunch, going off to pout in his office for the next few hours. Mac had to admit to herself that it had hurt; in the old days they would have shaken hands, the loser congratulating the winner and buying him or her dinner. Now, with the specter of Paraguay, Clayton Webb, and Harm's near-conviction for murder still a shroud over them, if they spoke more than a few words to each other during the day or actually cracked a smile, it was big news.

Naively, Mac had believed that once Harm had returned to JAG, they would have a few bumpy weeks and then settle back into their old friendship again. By this point it had been a few months and Harm still hadn't thawed. She had tried to bring it up once a couple of weeks ago; they were forced to spend the day together doing a minor investigation in Norfolk. Harm hadn't even glanced over at her as he drove them down the highway. Instead, he told her they had a case to work on, and could they just think about that?

Mac had merely told him, "sure," turning away from him to hide the tears that threatened to fall. She leaned her head against the window, pretending to sleep, and by the time they arrived in Norfolk, she actually had drifted off. She awoke to the rather annoyed-sounding voice of one Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr, shaking her shoulder and telling her to get moving. It had startled her, and she imagined she saw a little softening of his features as he mumbled an apology before scooting out of the driver's seat. He immediately headed off toward the building where they were set to meet with a Lt Commander Johnson, leaving her to fumble her way out of the car, secure it, and then sprint to catch up with him.

 _Jackass._

Mac had immediately felt guilty about that thought, despite the fact that he was, indeed, being a jackass. It was her fault, really. She'd been awful to him in Paraguay, had sniped at him mercilessly, and topped it all off with a dollop of _never._ They would _never_ be in a relationship because they both wanted to be on top, whatever that meant, and that was just too impossible. She immediately regretted her words, wanted to take them back as soon as they left her mouth, but then it became rapidly clear that Harm had no intention of fighting her on it. He'd merely nodded and then was silent on the cab ride to the airport, silent while they boarded the plane, silent while he loaded her carryon into the overhead bin for her, and then, once seated, he turned away from her, alternately reading the in-flight magazine or just sleeping. Mac didn't sleep a wink; she was still too keyed up from the mission and her last conversation with Harm.

It was a long flight.

Once or twice Mac thought about touching his arm, telling him she was sorry, but she didn't. She was too scared, too proud, too… _something._ She spent the majority of the flight berating herself over her words spoken in the heat of the moment, becoming so focused on that that she didn't even notice when they landed. She came back to the present when Harm shook her by the shoulder. She had looked up at him, eyes wide with confusion, and it took him a couple of times to get her to understand that they needed to start gathering their things to get off the plane. He looked irritated; she was embarrassed.

Mac was also exhausted, bone-weary, and in need of a warm bath in her _own_ tub. All of that added to her pain over the state of her relationship with Harm was whittling away at her stoic marine facade. As she and Harm waited for their luggage to appear in baggage claim, Mac started to sniffle, surreptitiously swiping at the tears that stubbornly refused to stay put. She felt Harm's eyes on her but couldn't bring herself to look up at him. She could use a hug, but she would never again ask him for that given her words at the taxi stand in Paraguay. She half expected him to put his arm around her anyway because they were still friends, right? But he didn't, and that, coupled with his lack of protest over her words convinced her that Harm didn't really care about her or her never. So why, then, should she?

But she did care. Oh, how she cared. When Harm wasn't immediately allowed back at JAG and after she'd witnessed the dressing down Admiral Chegwidden gave him, she had been devastated. She covered it well, relying on every last scrap of marine discipline in her as she requested to return to her duties. Later she had lurked outside of Webb's hospital room as he welcomed Harm to the family. _What?_ Harm, a CIA agent? He'd never…he was too…he just couldn't _do_ this. But he did, and there wasn't much she could do about it. She had her own demons from Paraguay that needed confronting, counseling to attend, and more duties than ever at JAG as it was now down a senior attorney. She shoved thoughts of Harm to the back of her mind for a couple of weeks until she felt she was somewhat back on her feet, then tried to contact him. She called him seventeen times during his months with the CIA, leaving message after message, but he never answered or returned any of them. Despite her suspicion that Harm didn't care for her, _love_ her the way she loved him, she still wanted to apologize. She'd cried herself to sleep after each unanswered call.

When he was invited back to JAG, she thought they'd at least bury the hatchet and be civil, gradually working toward the resumption of their friendship. It soon became apparent, however, that Harm no longer wanted even that with her. She found herself grieving over the loss of him almost as if he had died.

Oddly, she never once considered that perhaps Harm was acting that way because he'd been deeply hurt. Perhaps he not only cared for her and her _never,_ he cared too much. Regardless, she eventually pulled herself together, tried to inure herself to his attitude, and went about her business.

This meant ignoring the casual sneer he'd adopted as his main expression around her. It meant ignoring his clipped tones when he was forced to talk to her. It meant ignoring the fact that she was still hopelessly in love with him…or at least with the Harm she remembered. This Harm didn't even talk much to Sturgis or Bud. He was gentler with Harriet, and Mac observed the younger woman often watching Harm with a look of sadness and concern on her face.

If Mac had been paying more attention, she would have seen the same look from Harriet directed at her. Unaware, Mac walked around with an aura of sadness, of despair, and she was speaking even less to Bud and Sturgis than Harm was. She retreated to her office if she didn't have to be elsewhere, closing herself off from everyone, including the worried Harriet.

Shortly after today's courtroom battle, the admiral had called her and Harm into his office. There was a moment when Mac was sure Admiral Chegwidden was going to ask what the hell was going on with them, but instead he gave them a new case. A marine sergeant at Camp Lejeune had been killed and a JAGMAN investigation had been requested. The admiral was sending them. He handed over the file, told them they had a flight out tomorrow afternoon, and told them to get it figured out quickly. All this was said in the churlish manner he'd adopted since they'd returned from Paraguay. That made Mac sad too; she assumed she was responsible for a lot of it. One more man she'd managed to damage along the way…

She was surprised when Harm suggested they study the file together at his place. She was even more surprised when he suggested they do it over dinner. She couldn't read too much into it though; he had to eat sometime and it would be the appropriate time of day.

Mac trudged up the stairs to Harm's loft behind the man himself, not really paying attention to her surroundings, thus not noticing when Harm stopped at the door to his floor. She crashed into him, bouncing off his body, her briefcase falling from her hand, the "sensible" black pumps on her feet sliding out from under her. She reeled backward, teetering on the edge of the stairs, figuring this was how it was all going to end. Her arm shot out and her fingers caught the rail…and immediately started slipping off. She said her good-byes to Harm in her head, fully expecting to wake up dead in a broken heap on the landing.

But then she felt herself caught up in the strong arms of her former best friend. She crashed against his chest, her heart pounding, her hands clutching at his trench coat. She closed her eyes, inhaling the scent of his aftershave, thanking heaven for his quick reflexes. For a moment she just reveled in her closeness to him, then started to push away, not wanting to overstay her welcome. To her surprise, Harm kept her close.

Mac felt her heart speed up again as she rested against his chest. This could get awkward really fast, but since his arms were still tightly wound around her, she stayed put.

Finally, he loosened his hold and drew back. "You okay, Mac?" She looked up and met his gaze, unable to read what was going on behind the stormy gray-green of his eyes. She also found that she couldn't speak so she merely nodded. They stared at each other for endless seconds, until Mac watched the shade of indifference fall down over his face once again. He let go of her, and she carefully stepped back.

"Um, thanks, Harm. Uh, these shoes…I guess, um, they're slippery." She decided not to mention her running into him because her mind was so far away.

Harm turned away from her, his body obviously stiffening. Mac sighed inwardly. He opened the stairwell door and stepped through, holding it open for her in a manner that seemed like she was just an afterthought. _Just when you think he's starting to come around…_

They headed down the hall, Mac still slightly behind Harm. Gone were the days when he'd walk beside her, hand at the small of her back. The urge to cry struck her again and it made her angry. It made her want to smack him upside the head. It made her want to go back in time and slap herself upside the head for saying that stupid never. Even if it was most likely true.

"I guess you don't have those comfortable shoes yet, huh?" Mac was a bit startled when she heard his voice. He almost, _almost,_ sounded friendly. _Progress?_

"You don't have the good man yet, either," Harm mumbled to himself, but likely still for her benefit.

 _Well, so much for progress…_

Harm let her in, telling her to go ahead and change while he ordered the food. Mac was in the middle of removing her coat but stopped when the sleeves were only halfway down her arms. "Oh, I thought…oh, never mind." She went back to taking off her coat.

She heard Harm's long-suffering sigh. "What, Mac?"

She debated just ignoring him; she could pretend she hadn't heard him and make her way to his room to change into her civvies instead. She picked up the briefcase again; before she'd left the JAG parking lot, she had opened her trunk and removed a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from her sea bag. Both items were then hastily shoved into the case next to her favorite pair of foldable ballet flats.

She decided to go for honesty. "I thought you were going to cook."

She missed his cooking. She hadn't had any of it since before he was put in the brig. She missed _him._

Harm sighed once again. It made her want to slap him…again. "Mac…I just want to go through this case, get it over with."

 _Of course._ "Oh. Well, yeah, me too. What are we…um, what should we order?"

"Chinese okay?" He was already dialing the number, so she guessed the choice had already been made.

"Um, yeah, that's fine. I'll just get changed." She brushed past him, going up the stairs into his bedroom and then shutting herself in his bathroom. She took a few moments to collect herself, not knowing if she was more angry or more sad about this whole situation, and then started removing her uniform.

When a now casually clad Mac came back down the stairs after laying her uniform out on Harm's bed—she hoped that was still okay—she was surprised to see Harm putting his coat back on before grabbing his keys. "Harm, where are you going?" _Great. He couldn't even stay in his own apartment with her._

"They're short on delivery guys tonight so I'm going to pick it up—it'll be a lot faster."

 _Oh._ "Okay, um, did you want me to come with you?" _Well, that was a stupid question._

"No!" _Yup…stupid question._ Of course, he didn't have to be so adamant about it. He must have realized how he sounded, because the next words out of his mouth were softer and he even managed a half-hearted half-smile. "Um, no, you don't have to…just…make yourself at home and I'll—I'll go get it. You shouldn't have to go out again."

 _Don't want to be stuck alone in a car with me, eh, Harm?_ Frankly, she wasn't sure she wanted to be stuck in a car alone with him, either. "That sounds good, Harm. I'll start looking through the file, okay?"

"Yeah, that'd be great. See you soon," he said rather flatly. Then he turned and practically ran out the door.

"Yeah, see you soon, Harm," she said to the empty apartment.

* * *

Mac sat down at Harm's table and started flipping through the information given to them by the admiral. She pulled out a notebook to start making notes, but of course, she didn't have a pen. She scanned the area around her and, not noting any writing utensils nearby, she rose to get some out of Harm's desk. As she padded across the room in her ballet slippers, she hoped he still kept them in the same spot; she hadn't been to Harm's since just before she left for Paraguay. When Harm asked her not to go…she shrugged that thought off quickly. Now was not the time to go _there._

Taking a moment to look at the pictures on the desk, Mac was surprised to see the photo of her and Harm in Afghanistan still on display. _Interesting,_ she thought, running her finger over the frame. She missed them…those two friends who faced death together, laughed together, spent the night in the cold desert together…Mac shut down those thoughts quickly as well. She pulled open the top drawer and found what she needed, two pens and a highlighter, and pushed the drawer shut.

Except it wouldn't shut. She tried it a couple more times, but it stubbornly remained open about an inch and a half. She opened it back up and slid her hand in, feeling around for whatever was hindering things. Her fingers grazed what felt like a padded envelope. Reaching behind it, she found part of the envelope had slipped over the back of the drawer, causing the obstruction. She pulled on it a few times, finally managing to dislodge it. She had, however, used a little too much force, and the envelope came flying out of the drawer, spilling its contents onto the hardwood floor.

Mac bent down, first picking up a little velvet pouch. By the feel of it, she had the sinking suspicion she knew what it contained. Heart pounding, she picked up the slip of paper that had come out with the bag, flipping it over and seeing by the letterhead that it had come from Trish Burnett's gallery in La Jolla. Trish Burnett...Harm's mother. She was just about to shove it back into the envelope when she caught sight of her name.

Mac couldn't stop herself; it was impossible not to read it now. With shaking fingers, she set the velvet pouch on the desk and started to read.

* * *

 _June 15_ _th_ _, 2001_

 _My darling boy,_

 _Here is your grandmother's ring that you asked for. Your father spoke often about giving you this ring as soon as you found your bride, and I'm so glad that time has finally come. For years I've waited for your call telling me you were finally asking her. I knew she was perfect for you from the first time you mentioned her. I'd never heard anything approaching the spark in your voice when you told me about your new friend. I knew then that she'd never be 'just a friend' to you._

 _You have chosen well, my dear Harm. I know I haven't yet met her, but it didn't take long for me to realize that spark in your voice was love. You are so much like your father. Your grandmother told me years ago that she knew I was the one for her son as soon as he said my name…and in this way, I know that Mac is the one for you._

 _I can't wait for the moment when you finally stand up in front of God and your friends and family and join yourselves together. Your father would be so proud of you. I am so proud of you._

 _I love you, my dear Harmon._

 _-Mom_

* * *

Mac stood there, frozen. Her whole body was shaking now, and she found herself clenching the note from Harm's mother in her fist, wrinkling the elegant stationary as she looked again at the date written across the top.

June. 2001. After Mic left. After she left for the _Guadalcanal._ Just before Harm arrived there. _Oh, god…_

Mac set the letter down on the desk and picked up the blue velvet pouch that she now knew held Harm's grandmother's ring. She shook the little box from the bag, staring at it for several seconds before she finally popped it open.

Nestled inside was a simple diamond ring, flanked by two tiny red stones. It was beautiful. It was perfect. It would be so Harm to give something with so much history behind it. A single tear coursed down her cheek, but she didn't notice it.

She did notice a crumpled piece of paper still in the ring's pouch. In shock but knowing she needed to see what was on the thin white paper stuffed inside, Mac pulled it from the bag.

It was a receipt from a jeweler in Falls Church. A quick scan revealed it had been for engraving...with an up charge for rush service. Growing more afraid, she checked the date of it...

 _May 17th, 2003..._

While she was in Paraguay.

Just before Harm arrived and saved her life.

The receipt slipped from her fingers as she pulled the ring from the box. The box dropped unceremoniously onto the desk.

She tilted the ring up to see the words imprinted along the inside of it, and her whole world shattered around her.

 _For Mac—My love for eternity_

 _End Chapter 1_


	2. Lost

_A/N: Here is Chapter 2. And OK, OK, it'll be longer than 2 chapters. Dang it. I guess I can't help myself…_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 2: Lost**

 _1804 Local_

 _Harm's Apartment_

 _North of Union Station_

 _For Mac—my love for eternity_

Mac read and reread the words delicately etched into the gold band of the engagement ring. _Her_ engagement ring.

Well, not hers. Not now. Not ever. No more.

It became hard to breathe. Ragged, gasping breaths were the only sounds in the apartment and Mac felt sorry for whoever was struggling so.

It was so hard to breathe.

The gasps were coming from her.

 _Oh god oh god oh god oh god…_

The tremors in her hands doubled, tripled, and she knew she needed to put the ring safely back in its box before it took flight from her hands.

 _For Mac—my love for eternity…_

A few more tears fell.

 _Oh, Harm…I didn't know. I didn't understand. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry._

Mac's vision tunneled and she feared she would faint. But she couldn't do that. Harm couldn't find her on the floor, surrounded by what was likely intended to be hidden forever. Forcing herself to slow her breathing, she lowered herself into Harm's desk chair. Her trembling hand managed to slip the ring back where it belonged, though it took a couple of tries, and Mac buried her face in her hands.

Minutes passed, though for once she couldn't tell how many. She pressed her palms into her eyes, rocking back and forth a few times as she tried to get herself under control.

 _For Mac—my love for eternity._

The words had burned themselves indelibly into her brain.

 _I didn't know! How could I? Oh, Harm…_

Visions of all their near misses over the years assailed her, rising up out of the recesses of her mind, escaping from the careful barriers she'd erected around it. Around her heart.

 _Eternity…_

 _Harm's voice nervous and strained… "You know, they wrote eternity on this bridge in lights…"_

" _You know the reason…"_

" _Come to me…"_

" _I'm waiting…"_

" _We can't do this now…"_

" _I think you know why"_

" _Things are never going to work out for us…"_

 _Never…_

 _Never…_

 _NEVER._

 _I didn't know Harm! I didn't think…I'm sorry!_

She wanted to cry. She couldn't cry. Not here. Not now. She'd never be able to explain it to Harm.

She buried her face in her hands once again, her breathing still the only sound in the room.

Mac jumped when the phone next to her rang. She didn't pick up, just let the machine get it. She recognized the admiral's voice, caught a few words… _Sergeant…confession…no longer needed…_ but her addled mind couldn't process any of it.

A few more minutes, and Mac was hit with a surge of panic and urgency. Harm was back, or at least he was near the building. Mac sprang into action, gathering up the receipt and ring box and sliding them back into the velvet bag. She scanned the area around her feet, frantically looking for the envelope, finally finding it under the desk. Into the envelope went the little blue pouch, and then the whole package was shoved to the back of the drawer.

She breathed a brief sigh of relief as she heard the jangle of keys at the door. _Wait._ His mother's note still lay on the floor, mocking her. She heard the key slide into the lock. Quickly she bent and grabbed the letter, frantically looking for someplace to stash it until it could be put back in Harm's desk. She was afraid it wouldn't be completely hidden in the pocket of her jeans, but then she remembered her coat. It was still where she'd left it earlier, draped casually over a chair. Mac sprinted to it and shoved the note deep in the side pocket just as Harm opened the door.

"Hey, Harm. Good trip?" _Well that sounded intelligent._ Mac cringed inwardly.

Harm looked over at her and quickly turned away, but not before Mac saw the scornful roll of his eyes. Well, that fit. He was a man scorned after all. By her, apparently.

Mac sat down heavily on the couch. She didn't know what to do with herself and her heart was still galloping from her recent discovery.

"You going to come over and eat?" _Right. It was time to eat._ That's _what she was supposed to be doing._ Mac slowly stood up again, carefully making it over to the table where her…geez, he didn't even ask her what she wanted. She started opening up the takeout containers, assuming when she found the beef and broccoli, she'd found her meal. She was still peeved that he'd ordered on her behalf, even if he'd ordered her favorite dish from that particular restaurant, but at the moment she actually didn't care what she ate. As long as it gave her something to occupy her hands and her mind, she would have eaten tofu. She'd have eaten cardboard if it meant she wouldn't have to talk to him; she didn't think she'd be able to say anything coherent at this point.

Mac sat down at the table across from Harm. He was flipping through the casefile as he ate, clearly not wanting to engage in any small talk. That suited Mac just fine, but then she remembered the goal was to discuss the case while eating to shorten the amount of time Harm had to be in her presence. She opened her mouth to attempt to speak…just to realize she hadn't actually read a word of the case file. There was something else nagging her about this case as well…something about the admiral…calling…

"Something wrong with your food?" Mac's head snapped up. Harm was eyeing her, an expectant look on his face. Or maybe it was irritation. Annoyance, perhaps. She blinked at him a few times, not knowing exactly what he'd just said.

"Uh…" She realized she had her chopsticks suspended in midair, a piece of broccoli held in between them. She tried to remember if she'd taken a bite yet, did remember that Harm was always impressed that she would actually willingly eat something with so much green in it. Harm was still staring at her and she could feel the blush rising in her cheeks. She just shrugged and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Harm. What did you say?"

There was that eyeroll again. "Your food, Mac. Is. Something. Wrong. With. It."

Old Mac would have considered stabbing him in those eyes with her chopstick at his tone, but that was the Mac of forty minutes ago. The Mac who had just discovered the man she loved more than anyone else in the world intended to marry her, that is, until she'd ruined everything, could only stutter out a less than brilliant response. "Um, no, Harm. It-it's, ah, g-great." She stuffed the broccoli into her mouth. It was cold and it stuck in her throat.

Harm went back his tofu and the heavy silence of the room was only broken by the sound of Harm flipping the pages of the file.

"So, who called?" Mac looked up from her food, food that she still hadn't eaten much of, once again having no idea what Harm had just asked.

"Um, what?"

Harm nodded toward the answering machine, it's red light blinking, a new message waiting.

She should know this. She'd been here. _The admiral…_ "Um, I think it was the admiral?" She still wasn't entirely sure. So much had happened here in the time Harm had gone for the food.

Harm stood up from the table and made his way to the machine. He hit the button, and it was indeed the admiral's voice that filled the room.

" _Rabb._ _Chegwidden here. There was a confession. A Major Ripley admitted to murdering Sergeant Michaels. It all seems to check out so you two won't need to head down there. Your services will no longer be needed, so I will see you both at JAG tomorrow. Goodnight."_

 _What a relief,_ Mac thought to herself. She and Harm wouldn't have to be alone with each other, wouldn't have to endure the flight and then endless hours together trying to be civil. Well, she'd be civil. She was hurt, angry with him at times, but since she always figured she was the one who caused him to be so cold and surly, she'd let it go. She would still let it go, but knowing what she knew now, knowing how truly responsible she was for his attitude, it would be all the more painful. She relaxed a little for the first time that evening.

Until she looked up and found herself staring into the gold buttons of Harm's uniform. Harm was still in uniform. He was standing right beside her. Mac's eyes traveled up, up until she was staring into his eyes. His angry, storm-grey eyes. His mouth was moving. Questioning her again.

" _Well?"_

Mac shrugged her shoulders in confusion. Harm released an angry puff of air.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

 _Huh?_ "I'm sorry, what, Harm?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what, Harm?"

"About the admiral. Calling this whole thing off. Didn't you hear that?"

Mac shook her head. She'd heard it, she supposed, but she had been a little preoccupied with something else at the time.

" _Christ,_ Mac! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

 _Well, that was a bit rude._ Mac jumped up from her chair, but instead of telling him where he could shove it, she was happy she finally had an excuse to leave. He was pissed at her, they didn't need to be together, and now she could free herself from this particular train ride to hell.

"Well, Harm," she said, a little too brightly. "I'll just get out of your hair. Sorry about tonight, I must have been in the bathroom…or something…so have a good evening, okay?" She threw on her coat, knowing she was buttoning it all wrong, and pulled open his door. She turned back toward him as she stepped into the hall, waved, and let it fall shut. Harm had looked a little confused, but he'd be alright.

It would be different for her. She looked down at her haphazardly buttoned coat, thinking that pretty much summed up everything. She was confused, defective, utterly messed up, and if she couldn't even manage to button up her goddamned coat, she'd never be able to fix things with Harm. Not now. It was over. She loved him, he'd once loved her…he'd once…

He'd _once_ loved _her._

Everything was crashing down on her once again. Choking back a sob, she took off down the hall, her pace increasing with each step. By the time she made it to the stairwell door, she was nearly sprinting. Ignoring the fact that the ballet slippers on her feet had even less traction than her uniform pumps, she tore down the stairs, slipping a little as she made it to the landing. Thankfully, she didn't fall down the rest of the steps or lose control when she burst out the front door. The cool autumn air was made icy by the tears coursing down her cheeks.

Mac cursed as her keys slipped out of her hand as she reached her car, forcing her to have to bend down to retrieve them. She fumbled a bit before she managed to unlock her door, hoping fervently that Harm wasn't watching her from his window. She slid behind the wheel, and though her vision was blurry with her weeping, she slammed the car into gear and took off into the night.

 _For Mac—my love for eternity._

Mac cried harder.

 _End Chapter 2_


	3. Cry

_A/N: Here's Chapter 3 of my 2-chapter tale (Ha!). Excuse any errors, I'll edit later—trying to post this quick so I'm not late for work!_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 3: Cry**

 _1922 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac couldn't stop crying. She'd cried during the entire drive home from Harm's, cried as she ran herself a bath, cried as she sank into the near scalding hot water. The crying continued as she made her tea, and she found she was unable to drink it because she'd broken into deep sobs and didn't get control of herself until the tea was long past cool.

She wrapped herself into her warmest robe, turned on the television, and flipped channels to find some mindless comedy. That made her cry too; she'd come across the famous chocolate factory assembly line scene from _I Love Lucy_ and instead of laughing at it as she always had before, a gut-wrenching wail escaped her which sent her into another fit of sobbing. She eventually drifted off on the couch, but when she woke up an hour and twenty-three minutes later, the tears were already leaking from her eyes.

Through it all, the engraving on Harm's ring kept running through her brain.

 _For Mac…my love for eternity. Eternity. Eternity. Eternity…_

It echoed in her mind until she covered her ears and screamed for it to stop. She wondered if she was losing her mind.

Eventually, she made it back to her bedroom, throwing herself on the bed without even pulling back he covers. Her shoulders shook with her sobs, sobs that lasted another two hours. It was quiet in her apartment after that, save for her shuddering breaths, but even without the abject weeping, the tears still slipped from her eyes, eyes that had begun to burn. She had a pounding headache, her sinuses were stopped up, and she assumed she must be dehydrated. She'd never cried like this before, not even when her mother left on her fifteenth birthday, and she didn't see an end in sight. She had visions of trying court cases while a steady stream of moisture ran down her face, interviewing clients while sniffling into a tissue, and sobbing while she babysat her godsons.

Throughout the night she tossed and turned, going through a nearly full box of tissues before falling into a fitful sleep. When she woke up only an hour later, her pillowcase was soaked through with tears. Mac didn't know somebody could do that—continue to cry when she didn't think she'd even been dreaming. It was apparently the night for discoveries.

Mac slowly sat up in bed. She was hit with a wave of dizziness and closed her eyes against it. When the room seemed to still again, she stole a glance at the clock she didn't really need and saw that it was 0400. She usually got up around five, but she didn't think another hour was going to do her any good. The tears had stopped for the moment, but she felt even worse than she did during the worst of her hangovers.

She decided to do something she almost never did—call in sick to work. She couldn't face Harm today, couldn't face anyone, and she truly was ill after her night of tears. As she hung up the phone, they started to fall again.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

 _1800 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac lay on her couch, a cold wash cloth over eyes. She'd finally stopped crying, was impressed that for the last two hours she had not shed a tear and had discovered that feeling numb after such a torrent of grief wasn't just a cliché. She'd only had water and a slice of toast today; she didn't have the energy for anything more than that. She felt less dehydrated, more exhausted. She'd been able to nap a couple of times, about ninety minutes total, but it wasn't enough to replenish her reserves after such a night.

She'd just decided to get up and have another piece of toast so she could take some ibuprofen before calling it a night when a knock sounded at her door. _Who the hell could that be?_ She debated not answering, not even getting up to see who it was, but curiosity got the better of her. Besides, it could be Clay. It would be nice to see a friend, and despite what Harm thought, that was _all_ he was, so she heaved herself off the couch, ran her fingers through her hair, and pulled open the door.

It wasn't Clay.

* * *

" _Jesus,_ Mac, you look terrible!"

 _Well, hello to you too, Harm._ "Thanks, Harm. If it helps, I'm sure I feel even worse than I look." She actually hadn't looked at herself in the mirror since she'd thrown on some sweats and changed things up by crying in the living room instead of her bedroom, but since she felt pretty damn awful…

The two stood at her door, one just in, the other just out, staring at each other until Mac grew irritated. She sighed heavily. "Why are you here, Harm?"

"You left your uniform and briefcase at my place last night—I brought them into work, but since you weren't there…"

Mac noticed for the first time that Harm's hands weren't empty. He had her briefcase in one hand and a garment bag in the other. She had a brief flash of happiness that he'd taken the time to hang up her uniform and even cover it, but then realized it was probably just out of respect for the uniform rather than any respect for her. "Oh, thank you." She held out her arms for her things but then dropped them in defeat with his next words.

"Were you expecting someone else?" His tone was snide, sprinkled with a healthy dash of snark. She hated it, was just so tired of it. But then she deserved it, didn't she? _No,_ her mind rebelled. But she just shook her head.

"No, I wasn't. Thank you for bringing me my things. You didn't have to do that. I could have have just gotten them tomorrow, but I appreciate it." She held out her arms again for her items. This time Harm handed them over, and rather than take the uniform all the way back to her bedroom, she hurriedly placed it in the coat closet. She half expected Harm to have left while her back was turned, but to her shock he had actually stepped inside. She couldn't stop her mouth from dropping open nor her eyes from widening.

"Can I come in?" He asked, despite already being quite 'in.'

"Why?" The world just slipped out of her mouth, and she felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment.

Something flitted across Harm's face, something like sadness, like regret, but it only lasted a millisecond and the hard mask was back in place. Mac decided she'd imagined it.

"I'm sorry, Harm. That came out wrong. Yes, of course you can come in." She stepped back and let him advance further into her apartment. "Did you want some coffee or something?" She hoped so. She needed something else to focus on; Harm's presence in her apartment after so many months was overwhelming. His big body seemed to fill every corner of the room.

"No thanks, Mac."

 _Dammit._ "Um, anything exciting happen today?" It was so pathetic being reduced to small talk with someone in whom she used to confide everything.

Harm shrugged. "Not really."

 _So much for small talk._

"So, how's Clayton? I figured he'd be over here taking care of you."

 _Yup, so much for small talk._ "He was fine the last time I spoke to him."

"Twenty minutes ago?"

Mac inwardly rolled her eyes. This back and forth with Harm about Clay had grown tiresome. "More like two weeks. Harm, was there something else you needed?" She wrapped her arms around herself. It was so terribly uncomfortable standing here, standing anywhere lately with Harm, and it would be ever more so with her discovery of the engagement ring. She wished he'd leave.

Harm seemed to study her for a minute before he shook his head. He turned away as he mumbled something that Mac didn't catch. "What was that, Harm?" It was probably some veiled or maybe not so veiled insult.

"I said, I just wanted to see if you were okay."

His apparent concern for her was _not_ expected. "I..I'm fine, Harm. I'll be fine. Thanks for…for asking."

Harm nodded, giving her that little half smile she used to, no, _still_ loved. She bit her lip, blinking back a few tears. She couldn't fall apart here, not in front of him. Thankfully he had turned away again, apparently preferring to focus on anything other than her.

Harm seemed to be searching for something, his eyes drifting around her apartment, though Mac had no idea what it could possibly be. Nothing really had changed in here, save for a few knick knacks and and a picture or two of her newest godson. Several awkward seconds passed.

"Are these new?" His gaze had lit upon the row of Russian matryoshka dolls now displayed on her bookshelf. There were fifteen of them in all, ranging in size from about ten inches in height to a mere half inch, and they were all intricately painted down to the smallest one. The nesting dolls were beautiful, and Mac was sure they had cost a fortune.

"Yeah, they are."

He stepped closer to the bookshelf. "Did you get them while we were in Russia?"

Since they hadn't been to Russia in three years, she figured he already knew the answer to that. She shook her head. "No, they were a gift." _Please don't ask me any more about it._

"Webb?"

 _Of course._ She wanted to deny it, but it wouldn't do any good. Harm would see right through her. "Yes," she answered, her eyes dropping to her feet.

"Well, at least the spook has good taste." He stepped up to the shelf and picked up the largest doll, studying it for several seconds before setting it back down. "Well, I suppose, Mac. I should let you rest." He abruptly turned and headed for the door. "You'll be back tomorrow?" he asked over his shoulder as he pulled it open.

"Yeah, I will…thanks again for bringing my things back." She followed him to the door.

"You're welcome. Uh, your shoes are in the bottom of the garment bag."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks for coming by." Harm nodded, stepping out into the hall. He paused, standing there with his back to her. Mac considered just closing the door and ending the awkwardness, but Harm's voice stopped her.

"You know, Mac, I always thought Russia was kind of _our_ place…but, I guess…"

She couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her. " _Harm…"_ Unbidden, her hand reached out to him.

His face turned toward her, enough for her to see the bleakness of his expression. "But then, what do I know?"

With that he took off down the hall, leaving Mac in stunned silence.

Silence…and tears.

 _End Chapter 3_


	4. Hurt

_A/N: Here is Chapter 4! I borrowed from the Season 9 episode "Pulse Rate" for this one. It seems like people always want to rag on Mac for treating Harm badly before, during, and after Paraguay. However, Harm was awful to her in this episode and I always thought Mac should have let him have it and he should have given her a better apology than a half-assed "I'm sorry." I felt the need to fix this…don't get me wrong, I love Harm, but even my favorite naval aviator turned lawyer needs to be slapped upside the head once in a while._

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 4: Hurt**

 _0902 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Mac was not looking forward to the day. She had court starting at 1000, and while she felt quite well prepared, she was not relishing the thought of facing the defense counsel. He was arrogant, argumentative, and frankly she'd had enough of it.

"Ready for today, Colonel?" Mac closed her eyes, gathering her strength before turning to face her opposing counsel. She looked him directly in the eye, wishing she could smack that smug grin off his face.

"More than, Harm."

He only chuckled, smugly of course, and moved past her to the coffee pot. She watched him for a moment, wondering where her friend had gone. Mac had hoped he was beginning to let go of his apparent distaste for her; last week when she had returned to work after her day of sick leave, he'd been reasonably cordial. He wasn't _friendly_ by any means, but he was polite, and the sneering comments had been kept to a minimum.

She was relieved that he wasn't going out of his way to goad her; the day after he'd stopped at her apartment to drop off her uniform, she still felt miserable, but she took heart in the fact that he'd actually brought her a coffee when they sat down to discuss an upcoming case. The next day he was sent to Norfolk and as he passed her in the hall, he actually said goodbye to her without a smartass comment to go along with it. _Progress!_

But then things went sour again. They had both been sent to the _USS Gillcrist_ to investigate mishap on board that resulted in the death of a sailor. Harm must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, because as soon as they arrived, the snide comments about Webb started up again. She did her best to ignore him, but after knowing her for so long, he knew exactly which buttons to push. She didn't bother to tell him that she and Webb were just friends; she had tried to tell him that before and it had gotten her nowhere. That wasn't likely to change now.

During the course of their investigation, it became clear to Mac that the cause of the mishap was due to another sailor's addiction to nicotine. The charges would be dereliction of duty and negligent homicide. She and Harm had argued about it, and he had made some not so subtle references to her past history of alcoholism. The flight home was tense; they were stuck sitting side by side and he barely acknowledged her presence. Before everything went to hell, she would have thought nothing of leaning against him for some shuteye; now, she remained sitting stiffly upright in her seat, not sleeping a wink. The only satisfaction she got was that Harm didn't seem to sleep any more than she did.

She wondered how someone who had at one time intended to ask her to marry him could treat her so wretchedly.

She wondered how eight years of friendship could be destroyed with a single word.

And now they were to face each other in court. It was sure to be about as fun as having a root canal without anesthesia, using rusty tools. She couldn't wait.

* * *

 _1018 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

"How _dare_ you?!"

Every eye in the courtroom was on her. They had to be. The room was deathly quiet as she stared into the face of the smirking commander. The face of her best friend, correction, _former_ best friend, stared back at her, a spiteful glint marring his beautiful eyes.

 _There's nothing more annoying than a reformed addict._

 _A reformed addict._

 _An addict._

 _Her._

 _How could he…how could he throw that in her face? Here? Now?_ She barely heard Captain Carey call them to approach the bench, barely heard him admonish Harm about goading the prosecution, could only focus on the buzzing of shock and anger in her ears, the heat of her cheeks.

Petty Officer Yates chose that moment to collapse from his chair. She and Harm rushed over and Mac caught a glimpse of something peaking above his collar. Harm must have seen it too; he pulled the petty officer's uniform open, revealing a chest covered in a shocking number of nicotine patches. They needed to get those off him and despite Harm's hateful words of a few minutes earlier, Mac helped him remove the patches from his client. In short order, an ambulance arrived and as the paramedics assessed the situation and began preparations to transport him, Mac was horrified to realize that she was actually relieved—relieved because Yates' overdose had effectively drawn all attention away from her and her humiliation. As soon as Yates was secured on the gurney and taken from the courtroom, she grabbed her briefcase and was out the door. She heard Harm call her name.

She didn't stop and she didn't look back.

* * *

 _1531 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Mac strode into the bullpen, changing directions slightly when she spotted Harm going through a filing cabinet. She was hoping to avoid him altogether; he had hurt her deeply and she had no desire for another round with him. Unfortunately, he looked up just as she was about to pass behind him. "Hey…"

Mac eyed him warily.

"Petty Officer Yates is recovering from his nicotine overdose." He tossed one of his newly patented smirks at her. _Fine, I'll bite,_ she thought to herself.

"Your client is still using his drug of choice, Commander. If he wants to impress me, he can quit cold turkey." She moved to continue on to her office, but apparently, he wasn't done with her yet.

"Whoa…like you did? Twice?"

Mac stopped in her tracks. _Did he…how could he…_ She glanced around to see if anyone else had heard his words. She thought she could see a couple of the staff quickly looking away from her. _What must they all think? Why would he do that to her?!_

Mac felt the blood draining from her face. Truthfully, she felt a little lightheaded; she'd never thought Harm could be so cruel as to humiliate her in public. She had been so, so wrong. Her eyes flitted back to Harm, who was looking over his shoulder at her, a triumphant little smile on his face, his eyebrows raised. _Gotcha, Mac._

She could only stare at him, her mouth hanging open. She was frozen in place, wanted desperately to run from the bullpen but she couldn't look away from him. Her eyes glazed over with tears, but she refused to let them fall. She at least kept control of _that._ Now, if only she could make her feet move…

Harm's expression slowly changed. He apparently realized what he'd just done, what he had just said. His eyes widened; his smile slowly faded away.

" _Mac—"_

The sound of her name on his lips mobilized her. She turned on her heel and rushed toward her office, dimly aware that Harm was heading that way too. As soon as she stepped over the threshold, she reached back to push the door shut behind her.

"Mac, wait!" He'd thrust his arm out, catching the door before it completely closed. He opened it enough to step through, his unwelcome presence now looming before her as she slipped on her coat. It was her winter coat; though only October, a cold snap held the city in its grip. The cold Mac felt now, however, had nothing to do with the weather. She snatched her cover off her desk and picked up her briefcase, needing to get away from here, away from _him._

"Mac, wait—"

She ignored him and tried to push past him, but he caught her arm. "Mac, _please…"_

She shrugged out of his grasp. " _No,_ Harm. I'm not doing this here with you. You've humiliated me enough. I'm leaving."

" _Maaac…"_

"Get out of my way, Harm, before I knock you on your ass."

"But Mac, I just want to—" He looked a little desperate.

"Save it, Harm. I don't want to hear it. Let me go." She glared up at him, furious that he arrogantly believed he could just waltz in here and give her some half-assed apology. He shrank a little under her gaze, finally stepping aside and allowing her to pass.

Mac took the stairs not wanting to give Harm the opportunity to stop her at the elevator. She had no doubt he'd try to follow her, despite allowing her to leave her office. He'd let her get a head start and then he'd be pounding on her door. She debated not going home right away, but then he'd likely just wait there for her return. It wasn't that she thought he would truly apologize; he would just want to make sure she understood why it was okay to be such a bastard to her.

Once at her apartment, she dropped her coat and briefcase on a chair and went to her room to change. She left the door open for him; better that than have the peace disturbed by him pounding on and yelling through the door.

Sure enough, when she returned to the living room he was standing in the middle of it. "Mac, I…"

"Yes, Harm? And by the way, please, do come in."

Harm shifted his weight between his feet. "Uh, you left the do—um, sorry Mac."

"Sorry for barging in or sorry for what you said?" She wasn't willing to give him an inch.

He looked down at his feet. "Um, yeah, both…"

"Thank you. You can go now."

His head snapped up and he looked indignant. "Not until you hear what I have to say."

"Oh, you have more to discuss? You wanna chat some more about my alcoholism? My _addiction?"_ How 'bout we talk about my detoxing after the accident with Eddie? It was a real treat, Harm. I never told you this, but I actually hallucinated for two days while I was in the hospital. _That's_ what happens when you quit alcohol cold turkey. Oh, they said it was partly due to the concussion, but you and I both know better.

"Or maybe you'd like to discuss the second time I quit? Oh, right, no need. You know every sordid detail of it. You had a front row seat! Did you tell Jordan about it? Renee? Or was it good enough to just shout about it in the bullpen?"

She glared at him, eyes wet with unshed tears.

He looked heavenward. "No, Mac, I— "

"What, Harm? Just spit it out!"

"Dammit, Mac, if you'd just let me talk…"

Feelings she'd been suppressing since even before Paraguay, when she found out Harm had been keeping his investigation into Lt. Singer's pregnancy from her, bubbled to the surface. "Then talk, goddammit!" She was seething inside. He was supposed to be her friend but as soon as he didn't get what he wanted, he turned into this sarcastic, _cruel_ man. She wanted him out. Not just out of her apartment, but out of her life. It was hurting her too much to be around him…but she'd hear him out one last time. She blew out a breath, praying for calm. "Okay, Harm. I'm listening."

"Mac, what I said to you today…it was below the belt. I—I'm sorry." Mac expected him to continue, but he just stood there, blinking at her.

 _That's it?!_ "That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"No, Mac…I just…since Para—I mean since I've been back…I know I've been…I'm just sorry!"

Mac swiped angrily at her eyes, cursing her tears. She wanted to be strong, didn't want to him to see any of the feelings roiling underneath. The fact that she didn't feel strong angered her. She'd never been strong when it came to her feelings for Harm. That had to end.

"How could you, Harm? What did I do to deserve what you did to me? How could you stand there in front of me, in front of _everyone_ , and announce that I'm an addict? You're the only one I've told the whole story to, not even the admiral knows everything! I trusted you, Harm!"

Harm hung his head. "I know, Mac. I know. But— "

"But what, Harm? There is no excuse for that. _No excuse!"_

"I know, I'm sorry, really Mac, I—"

"Harm, I know I was awful to you in Paraguay. I know I didn't thank you for saving me then. I tried to call you, so many times…but you never answered…I wanted to apologize for saying…what I said at the taxi stand…I called you seventeen times, Harm! I'm sorry I wasn't who you needed me to be in Paraguay. I was scared, Harm. I'd just been through hell, I thought Clay was going to die…and I am more grateful than I can ever say that you found us. Thank you, Harm. Thank you for saving me…I will always remember that, but I can't do this anymore. I've let the barbs, the insults, all the insinuations about me and Clay go; I figured I deserved it after how I acted in Paraguay, but after today…Harm, you hurt me. You humiliated me. You took the weakest, most miserable point in my life and aired it for all of JAG to hear. I thought we were friends, no matter what…but I guess I ruined everything there too."

A heavy silence fell on the both of them. With every one of Mac's words, Harm's shoulders slumped more, and Mac fought down the feelings of guilt brought on by his dejected appearance. She'd only spoken the truth.

Interminable moments passed. Mac heard Harm sigh and sensed that he had stepped closer to her.

"Mac? Can I…can I say something now?"

She felt his gaze on her and she met his sad expression with her own. She had to look away; her resolve for what she knew had to be done weakened as stared into the storm of his eyes. She nodded.

"Mac, I am so, so sorry. I _don't_ have any excuse for what I did today. And you didn't ruin anything…I'm still your friend. I know I haven't acted like it. I've been angry, mostly at myself, and I've been taking it out on you. I didn't know, never imagined I could, say the sort of things I said to you today, and knowing I've hurt you like that…Mac, I hope someday, somehow you can forgive me. I'm just so sorry…"

Tears had started to slide down her cheeks and she let them fall unchecked. Her heart had been broken, and she knew it was about to completely shatter. Harm's hand came up to brush a tear away, but she stepped away before he could touch her. She couldn't let him touch her. His arm dropped back to his side and he turned away.

"Harm? I really can't do this anymore. I'm going to finish our current case, and then I'm going to ask for leave. I didn't take any time off after Paraguay, and I need to get away from…I just need to get away."

"You need to get away from me," he said, his voice low and tight.

Mac bit her lip. She wanted to deny that, but it would be a lie. The shock of finding the ring, Harm's attitude, and today's events had broken her heart. She didn't trust that Harm would just stop acting as he had been; she needed a break. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay, Mac." His tone was bleak.

Now came the hard part. "Harm? There's something else…when I come back in a couple of weeks…I need you to keep your distance. Anytime we've had to discuss something other than work or even when we _are_ discussing work, things between us have gotten worse. You've been…mean, Harm. I know you're sorry, but it's hurting me too much. I don't know what else to do…Harm, I'm always going to care for you, but I have to do this."

" _Maaac,"_ Harm reached toward her again.

"No, Harm! Please, do this for me. I should probably ask for a transfer when I get back; I—"

"Mac, no. Don't do that. I'll stay away. I won't bother you. Just...don't leave. Don't leave because of me. I promise...I'll let you be, just don't…please, don't leave. _Please."_

"Harm, I can't—"

"Please, Mac…at least think about it long and hard before deciding anything, okay? Okay?"

Harm sounded so grieved, so desperate, and after what she'd just told him, she couldn't bring herself to completely twist the knife. "Okay, Harm. I will. I promise." He visibly relaxed, and his obvious relief made her want to cry again. _Why am I doing this?_

 _Because it has to be done._

Everything really did hurt too much.

He needed to leave before she lost her resolve.

"Harm, I'd like you to leave now." _I'm sorry._

Harm nodded. He walked to the door and pulled it open. Before he stepped out into the hall, he turned around and the look in his eyes was one Mac would never forget.

"Mac, I really am sorry."

The two shared one last look.

"I know, Harm. Thank you."

The corner of his lip turned up in a poor imitation of his typical smile.

"Goodbye, Mac."

"Goodbye, Harm."

And then he was gone.

 _End Chapter 4_


	5. Missing

_A/N: And here is Chapter 5! Thanks everyone for all the great reviews. Warms my heart!_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 5: Missing**

 _1728 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Harm was true to his word. He left Mac completely alone, only spoke to her when he absolutely had to for work and was unfailingly polite. Gone were the snide comments, the thinly veiled insults. As much as it saddened her to lose their old camaraderie, she knew she had done the right thing. She needed her space, needed freedom from the hurt and anger she had built up toward him, and he was giving it to her.

The first couple of weeks after she'd returned from leave, which included a visit with Uncle Matt and a trip to Arizona, were the hardest. Mac would catch him giving her looks of such sadness she'd almost cry. He'd always drop his gaze as soon as she turned his way, but he could never completely hide them. She knew he wasn't trying to manipulate her or make her feel guilty, he just couldn't help it.

Once Mac returned to duty, she did notice Harm looked like he hadn't been getting much sleep. This worried her. She finally broke down and told Harriet some of the issues she and Harm had been having, asking her to please check on him once in a while. It had been a hard thing, opening up to someone, but in the end, it had been a good thing as well. Harriet had offered a willing shoulder to cry on, and Mac was relieved knowing Harm would be looked after.

She had been worried that Harriet would be angry with her for distancing herself from Harm, that the younger woman wouldn't understand her reasons, but Harriet was an observant, intuitive woman. She told Mac she had been worried about her two friends, could see Mac's distress and Harm's anger. Harriet didn't ask what had happened in Paraguay; she just knew something had, and most importantly, she truly understood why Mac needed this space.

Mac didn't expect anything from Harriet regarding herself; as long as Bud and Harriet took care of Harm, she would be okay. But Bud and Harriet had no intention of letting Mac flounder on her own. They cared for her as much as they cared for Harm.

It seemed strange that after all the times Harm and Mac had mentored Bud and watched over Harriet, it was now the two younger officers helping _them_.

The weeks went by and fall faded into winter. It remained cold for that time of year, and Mac longed for the comparative warmth of Arizona or the blazing sun of an Australian beach. Scratch that. She didn't care if she ever went back to Australia. There were too many unpleasant memories—Harm and Mic fighting over her, Bud's jaw getting broken, the ferry ride in Sydney…it was that unfortunate ride that sent her running into the all too willing arms of Mic. She cursed herself to this day for accepting the ring. If she'd just held out a little longer, she'd be in a much different place now.

 _Probably in Harm's arms._

Mac missed him. She missed their working dinners, their movie nights, his back rubs…she just missed _him._ It was hard not to walk up to Harm and tell him she wanted him back in her life, but she knew she wasn't ready. His words during the Yates case were still fresh in her mind. She could forgive him, she was certain of that, but how did she know if he'd be the old Harm again? Things were peaceful now, and the vise around her heart had loosened once she didn't have to endure Harm's anger daily.

But she missed him.

She loved him.

 _Still._

Mac was sitting at her desk, finalizing the report from her most recently completed case. As soon as this was done, she planned to go home, slip into her tub, and eat the cheesecake she had waiting for her in her refrigerator. It would be a relaxing, if unspectacular, Friday night.

Signing off of her computer, Mac gathered her things and headed for the admiral's office, planning to drop off her report before she left. Halfway through the bullpen she realized she had forgotten her cover, so she circled back.

And nearly ran into Harm.

Mac stopped short, and her report and the file flew out of her hands, spilling all around her.

"Oh, Mac…I'm sorry. Let me—" He bent down and helped her gather up the papers. They knelt next to each other, the closest they'd been since she had asked him to stay away. Mac was keenly aware of the warmth of his body next to her as he handed her what he'd picked up. Ever the gentleman, he helped her to stand.

"Thank you, Harm." She gave him a gentle smile, which he returned, but Mac noted it didn't reach his eyes. No, they were still sad.

"You're welcome, Mac," he said softly. He touched her shoulder briefly. "'Night. See you on Monday." He stepped away from her and she watched his retreating back disappear into his office.

He was giving her space.

* * *

 _1859 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac sank into the warmth of her bath, letting the water soothe her aching muscles. Unfortunately, it did little to soothe her aching heart. Harriet had told her that she and Bud invited Harm over for dinner fairly often; he accepted about half the time. He spent most of his time there playing with Little AJ or holding Jimmy, not saying much, but he was starting to smile more and Mac was relieved.

Mac was in a quandary. She missed Harm but was afraid to trust him. She loved him, but she was afraid he would hurt her again. She was afraid she would hurt _him._ She'd done it before…

 _For Mac—my love for eternity._

She closed her eyes, the tears spilling out beneath them.

* * *

 _1602 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

"Come on, Mac, take the deal. It's the best he's going to get." Harm was using his most persuasive tone on her, but she wasn't falling for it.

"Oh, you think so, huh?" She raised an eyebrow, a smirk on her face. Her client would never go for what Harm proposed, and in any case, she wouldn't advise him to.

She and Harm were on the same case for the first time since the Petty Officer Yates case. Mac wasn't sure how that had happened; they either worked on the same side or otherwise a few times a month. Perhaps the admiral suspected what was going on and found ways to minimize their contact, maybe it was just dumb luck, but she was grateful for it. It would have been hell at first when everything was still so raw.

Things were better now, or maybe easier was a more accurate term. Harm still kept his distance; he didn't approach her unless it was necessary for their jobs, dutifully giving her the space she'd requested and needed.

"I do think so, Colonel. He's guilty as sin, and you know it. Take the deal." Harm stood up from the table in the conference room and started gathering his things.

Mac stood up as well. "I know no such thing, but fine, Harm. I'll present it to him. You should know, though, I'm going to advise him not to take it."

"Why don't you just discuss it with him let him decide, alright?"

Mac rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "I'll see you in court, Commander." She slipped the case file in question into her briefcase.

"Okay, but you should still think about it. Don't let your stubbornness cost the lieutenant a few years of brig time." He turned but froze halfway to the door. "Uh, Mac?"

Mac looked up from the briefcase she was closing. "Yeah, Ha—" She stopped mid-word. Harm stood with his back toward her, his shoulders slumped in a posture of defeat. _What's this all about,_ she wondered to herself.

"I shouldn't have been so— "

 _So what?_ He'd just acted no differently than he had for years while discussing such a case. Truthfully, she'd been enjoying it. "Harm?"

"I'm sor— "

She didn't want him to be sorry. She blurted out the only thing she could think of to cut him off. "Are you going to the Roberts' tomorrow?" Tomorrow was Christmas Eve.

Harm turned toward her but didn't answer right away. "Uh, I think I'm going to pass this year."

"Why?"

His eyes widened. "Well, uh, I thought I would…you…" He made a vague gesture in her direction.

No. He couldn't miss the party just to give her her 'space.' They were his friends as well. With the exception of Harriet, he'd known them all longer too. She stepped up beside him and put a tentative hand on his arm. "Harm, please. Come. It wouldn't be the same without you."

She saw him swallow slowly before he reached up and lightly gripped the hand still resting on his arm. "Okay." He let go of her.

Mac stepped back. "Great!" she said brightly, trying to cover her urge to weep at how unsure he sounded. "Goodnight, Harm. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

He gave her a half-smile. "Yeah. 'Night, Mac." He turned and went out the door.

Mac's own shoulders slumped. Not for the first time, she wondered if she'd done the right thing, asking Harm to stay away. _Yes, you did,_ her inner voice answered. She had needed it and frankly he probably needed it too. If she hadn't done what she had when she did, things would have likely degenerated into an all-out fight in the bullpen and the admiral would have been forced to send them to opposite ends of the world.

Maybe, though, it was time for them to start talking again.

* * *

 _2201 Local_

 _Navy Chapel_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Mac stepped out into the frigid air of winter. It had been a lovely service; it always was when Chaplain Turner presided over it. Mac's gaze drifted to the chaplain's son, Sturgis. Sturgis had been prickly and aloof as of late; it seemed she and Harm hadn't been the only ones going through turbulent times. Mac did hold out some hope for Sturgis, however. He'd met someone, Varese Chestnut, a lovely and talented singer currently on tour with the USO. Maybe Varese could bring some light into Sturgis' life; perhaps then Sturgis would let up on Bud and stop calling people, namely her, prigs.

Mac then glanced across the parking lot. Harm was just opening the door to his Lexus; she assumed he would be heading to the Wall now to visit his dad. As always, he made a dashing figure in his dress blues and she couldn't help but admire him. He must have sensed her gaze; he looked over his shoulder at her, meeting her eyes and giving her a soft smile. She smiled back with a small wave and he nodded, tipping his hat to her before climbing into his SUV and heading out into the night.

* * *

 _2321 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac had been home about an hour, enough time to wash her face and change into the flannel Christmas-themed pajamas she'd gotten that year from Chloe. She was about to put the kettle on for tea when there was a knock at the door. _Who could that be?_ She hoped it wasn't Clay; she'd had Thanksgiving dinner with him and his mother and afterwards he'd kissed her, wanting to further their relationship. She'd tried to let him down as gently as she could, not able to feel for him the way he felt for her. He'd still been upset, though, and he'd made some comments about her relationship with Harm. Clay had called later to apologize for his attitude and had called since, but it was all very awkward.

Mac checked the peephole, and her pulse immediately sped up when she recognized her visitor. She opened the door.

"Hey, Mac. Can I come in?"

* * *

 _2324 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

"Can I get you some tea or coffee or something?"

Harm shook his head. He'd changed into jeans and a sweatshirt, exchanging his trench coat for his bomber jacket. The jacket was not nearly warm enough for the current temperatures, but then again, Harm always seemed to radiate heat. Mac couldn't help but remember the few times he'd taken her into his arms, his warmth surrounding her.

"No thanks, I'm not staying long. I just wanted to give you this." Mac noticed for the first time the brightly wrapped package in his hand. He held it out to her, and Mac gingerly accepted it. It felt like a jewelry box, not one for a ring, but perhaps a necklace or bracelet.

"Um, thank you, Harm. I'm sorry, I don't have anything—"

"That's okay, Mac. I didn't expect you to…I've had this for a while."

Mac carefully peeled the paper away, revealing a simple black box with an Italian name embossed on it. She flipped it open and gasped. Resting in the velvet lining was a gold bracelet decorated with delicate red roses amongst sparkling crystals. It was beautiful. "Oh, Harm, I—"

"I found it in Naples when I was there in January. It, uh, reminded me of you. I know things haven't been...with us, but I...I wanted you to have it."

Mac felt the sting of tears as she took the bracelet out of the box. "Harm, it's beautiful. Thank you." She held it out to him. "Put it on for me?" He took it from her, his fingers brushing against hers, sending a thrill down her spine. He wrapped it around her wrist and closed the clasp, giving her hand a little squeeze before drawing his back.

"I love it. Thank you. I'm sorry about—"

"No, Mac. Don't worry about it."

They stood next to each other, lost in their own thoughts. Tears were threatening again, so she said the first thing that popped into her head. "What are you doing tomorrow for Christmas?"

Harm cleared his throat. "I'm actually flying out to San Diego. I haven't spent the holidays with Mom and Frank in years, so I thought this year I would. I'll be back on the second. You?"

Mac was surprised. As chief of staff, she generally knew who was going to be out on leave.

"It was all last minute. The admiral just signed off on it this afternoon." Mac nodded. She didn't catch Harm's next words.

"I'm sorry, what did you say, Harm?"

"What are your plans?"

"Oh, I'm going back to Bud and Harriet's for dinner."

Harm's eyes showed his surprise. "Oh, I thought…you and Clay…"

 _Dammit._ "Harm…" she said, the warning in her tone.

Harm held up his hands. "No, no, Mac…I didn't mean anything…I just ran into Webb the other day and he mentioned you'd spent Thanksgiving with him."

 _Of course he did._

"Uh, no, Harm. Clay and I…he wanted…but I…"

"Sorry Mac, it isn't any of my business…I should get out of your hair now. Uh…Merry Christmas." He turned around abruptly and headed toward her door.

He paused, his hand on the doorknob. "Mac, I…"

"Yes, Harm?"

He shook his head and started to open the door. "Nothing..."

" _Harm…"_

Harm rested his forehead on the edge of her door, shoulders slumping in that now familiar manner. "Mac, I…I just…miss you…so damn much." His voice choked up on the last words.

Mac hurried to his side. She ran her hand down his arm, clasping his hand in both of hers. "Harm? Would you like to stay awhile…and talk?"

 _End Chapter 5_


	6. Forgive

_A/N: Welcome to Chapter 6! Chapter 6 out of 2…(chuckles ruefully). There's nothing like having to stay home with your daughter because she has pink eye to let you get some writing in. And now I'm off to catch up on the ever-pressing charts…_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 6: Forgive**

 _2328 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

"Why don't you sit down and get comfortable while I make us some tea." Mac led Harm over to her couch, her hand on his arm.

He lowered himself to the sofa, sitting gingerly on the edge of the seat cushion and looking anything but comfortable. "Mac, you don't have to go to any trouble."

"It's no trouble, Harm. I was just about to make some before you knocked."

Harm studied her for a moment and finally nodded. "That would be good, Mac. Thanks."

Mac left him there and made her way to her kitchen. She turned on the burner under the kettle and gathered the proper supplies while she thought about the recent turn of events.

As they stood at the door, Harm's hand between hers, his uncertainty had rolled off of him in waves. He'd slowly lowered his head, focusing on their joined hands for long seconds before finally meeting her eyes and nodding. Mac had seen the sheen of tears in his eyes and it made her own eyes fill as well.

The kettle whistled, and in short order Mac was bringing in a tray with their mugs along with sugar and milk. Harm was still in his coat, still perched on the edge of the seat, nervously playing with his keys.

Mac set the tray down in front of him. "Harm, you can take off your coat." He smiled sheepishly and worked the well-worn jacket off his shoulders as she held her hand out for it. She draped it carefully over one of her elegant living room chairs, then sat herself down in the opposite corner of her sofa, turning toward Harm and tucking her bare feet underneath her. Harm handed Mac her tea, and she smiled when she realized he'd prepared it for her just as she liked.

They sat in silence, sipping out of their mugs, until Mac decided it was now or never. She leaned forward and set her tea on the table in front of them, then angled herself back toward Harm. "Harm…"

Harm set his tea on the table as well but kept himself facing forward. He nervously scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck, then rested his elbows on his knees, swiping his hands over his face. "Mac, I…I don't even know where to start…"

Mac scooted toward him on the couch, enough that she could reach out and brush his arm. "Then I'll start. Harm, I want to thank you for giving me the space and time I asked for. I needed it; honestly, I think we both needed it to regroup and see things from a different perspective. So, thank you, Harm."

Harm stared straight ahead for long moments before dipping his head and glancing over at her. "I didn't want you to go." His voice was raw, barely above a whisper, and Mac wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them and take him into her arms. She held back, though, knowing they still had much to say to each other.

"Harm, I—I didn't want to go either, but it seemed my being there was making us both miserable. It just got so hard to be around you. You had every right to be angry with me after Paraguay, but you weren't just angry. You seemed to hate me too."

He opened his mouth to protest that last statement, but she held up her hand, shaking her head as she continued speaking. "If things had continued on as they were, we would have ended up tearing each other apart in the bullpen. The admiral would have had no choice but to transfer at least one of us, and after what you gave up to save me in Paraguay, I couldn't let it be you."

Mac slid even closer and rested a hand on his arm, and after a few beats he covered it with his own.

"Mac, I…I still don't know what to say to you, how to tell you how absolutely sorry I am, for everything. But I _never_ hated you. I could never hate you…you mean more to me than just about…I mean, I don't hate you, Mac." He took in a deep, shuddering breath. "Those words I said to you, during the Yates trial…I still can't believe I said them. I— "

Harm moved his arm from her grasp and buried his face in his hands. Neither said anything for several seconds as Mac watch Harm struggle to regain his composure. She couldn't resist placing a comforting hand on his back and rubbing a few small circles over it.

"Why did you say them?" she asked softly.

"Because I knew they would hurt you." Mac gasped involuntarily at that, taking her hand away from his back and drawing her knees up to her chest. Of course, his words were designed to hurt, but to think he'd deliberately, consciously—

As if he'd read her mind, Harm hastened to reassure her. "No, Mac. I didn't consciously think, 'these words will hurt Mac, the way she hurt me.' They just slipped out, but I've known you so long. I know which buttons to push. I know your weaknesses, just the way you know mine. It's probably why we're so good at hurting each other, why we can do it without even thinking."

 _Now,_ _THAT_ _was_ _a depressing thought._

"But I honestly thought I'd never hurt you like that."

She smiled ruefully at him. "You know, Harm, I honestly thought you'd never hurt me like that, either."

Harm winced. "Mac, if I could, I'd go back in time and…and…"

"And what, Harm?"

He looked pained and his voice was tight. "Not let you go. Not let Webb drag you along on a mission that I knew wasn't going to end well. I should have told you— "

He cut himself off and scrubbed a hand over his face, then dropped his head in a gesture of obvious defeat.

 _Told me what?_ "Harm…"

"Nothing, Mac. I just should have told you not to go."

Mac knew that wasn't the whole of it. She also knew she couldn't push Harm and expect a well thought out answer. He'd either snap at her or clam up entirely, getting them nowhere.

Neither said anything for a few moments and the silence was heavy around them.

Mac took in a deep breath. "You know, Harm, I wish I could go back in time too, before the whole Singer mess…I should have known something was going on there. I could have helped you…I could have kept you from ending up in the brig, maybe then—"

"Maybe then you wouldn't have gone to Paraguay."

Mac looked up at him sharply. Was that really why she'd gone to Paraguay? To hurt Harm? Because she was angry that he'd kept her so in the dark? "Is that what you think, Harm?" She really wanted to know, because at this moment, she was afraid he might be right.

"I don't know, Mac," he sighed. "I think…I think that may have been part of it. We'd been growing closer before all of that, and then I basically cut you out of one of the more pressing issues in my life. I think...I'm _sure_ …I hurt you."

 _You did, Harm._ She still remembered the shock of finding out about Harm's activities of the past months from Agent Gibbs, the NCIS agent who questioned her when Harm was the chief suspect in Singer's murder. "Why didn't you tell me, Harm? I would have helped you, even if…" She looked down at her hands.

"Even if what, Mac?" She felt the heat of his stare even if she couldn't see it. "Even if _what?"_

She didn't want to answer this one. She was embarrassed and angry with herself for even thinking it. She supposed, though, that this was the time to put everything out there about the past several months. She raised her head and looked Harm in the eye. "Even if it turned out you were the father of Singer's baby."

Harm's eyes widened. "You thought…you thought I could have actually been with _Singer?!"_ He looked shocked and indignant all at once.

"I don't know, Harm! All of that happened, you'd been so secretive about it, and then I couldn't even talk to you in the brig. I didn't know what to think…but you'd offered to raise the baby and I couldn't think of any other reason why you wouldn't tell me about it…why you would have felt the need to keep it from me if it wasn't because you were having a baby with someone else." She was ashamed of those thoughts now. Of course, Harm could never have been with Singer. "I'm sorry, Harm."

She saw the hurt and anger briefly flash in his eyes, but then they dropped in sadness and resignation. "No, Mac…I'm sorry. You wouldn't have thought that if I hadn't given you a reason to. It _is_ my fault you went to Paraguay. If I had just done things differently…"

Mac scooted closer to Harm again and took his hand in hers. He really had been right about the Singer issue being a _part_ of her decision to go to Paraguay, but the fact of the matter was that she was first and foremost a marine, sworn to protect her country. "No, Harm. We both know I would have gone anyway. We might have parted on better terms, but I still would have done my duty, the same way you would have, to stop a terrorist. And you—"

"And I would have still tried to protect you during the Singer situation. It's my—"

"Nature," she finished for him. "It's your nature. It's why you still came for me after all of that." She squeezed his hand.

"Mac, that's not…I mean, yes, you're right. But I'm still sorry."

"Me too, Harm." Mac chewed on her lip, another question she wasn't sure she should ask forming in her mind. "Harm?"

He squeezed her hand back. "Yeah, Mac?"

"What went wrong in Paraguay?" _Other than you intended to propose and I managed to screw that all up._

"Wrong? You survived. We destroyed the stinger missiles. We didn't get Sadik then, but they got him later anyway. I'd say things went pretty right."

"No, I mean, what went wrong with us?"

At that, Harm snorted. "What didn't?"

"You weren't happy to find me. You sniped at me and I sniped right back. There was moment when I thought you were going to…but then we were interrupted…and you didn't want to talk about us anymore. And then I said…what I said."

"Never."

"Yeah, never." It hurt to hear the word, more to say it again. "I'm sorry about that too, Harm."

He went on as if she hadn't even spoken. "And you kissed Webb."

Her head snapped up at that. "What?"

"You kissed Webb."

"You saw…of course you did, you were right there. Harm, it didn't mean anything. I truly thought he was going to die. We couldn't help but grow closer while Sadik had us. Harm, I—I had to listen to him scream for hours, I—" She swallowed hard and brushed a tear from her face. It was still so difficult to think about that time. "He let them torture him to keep them from me, Harm. I was grateful to him, I felt so guilty—it was me who insisted we go back for Gunny and because of that we got caught—and he kept going on about how he liked being my wife…so I did the only thing I could think of to comfort a dying man who'd told me he loved me. I basically did the same thing then that I did with Dalton…and I shouldn't have, and I feel terrible about it and guilty and—" Mac's voice had risen with each word and her tears were now flowing freely. She'd felt so horrible about telling Dalton she loved him when she most certainly didn't that she fell off the wagon after more than a decade of sobriety. And then she kissed Clay for basically the same reason…well, not the same really…she truly did care for Clay. But still…

Mac didn't realize she was crying and starting to hyperventilate until she felt Harm's arm go around her and pull her into his side. "Hey, hey, Marine. It's okay. It's okay. I'm sorry. I was jealous. I shouldn't have acted that way I did. I was happy to see you. I was so grateful you were alive. I don't know what I would have done if I'd been too late…I—" Harm was getting choked up too.

Mac sank into Harm's embrace. It felt good to be this close to him again. She allowed herself a few minutes to enjoy the warmth and strength of his arms around her, then started to pull away. Harm let go immediately and they both took a few more moments to compose themselves.

"I still shouldn't have kissed him," she whispered. "Harm, I've been telling the truth, though. There really is nothing more than friendship between me and Clay. He wanted more, but I…didn't." _Because I want it from you._

"I know, Mac. I've just been an ass about it."

 _No arguments there._ But there was one more thing… "Harm, that, um, never…I didn't mean it. Nothing went the way it was supposed to on that mission, I wasn't thinking clearly, we'd both been so mean…but I…I didn't mean it. I just…I just wanted you to know that."

Harm's whole body seemed to relax with that. Mac had already apologized for the never, but it seemed he at last believed her. She had seen the look in his eyes when she'd said those fateful words at the taxi stand; she should have taken it back right then and there. She'd obviously hurt him, and though she'd known as soon as the word left her mouth that it wasn't true, pride and her own hurt kept her from fixing things right then and there.

Harm reached over and briefly clasped her hand. "Thank you, Mac." He leaned back into the cushions of her couch. He looked exhausted and she was sure she looked no different. It was getting late; in fact, it was already Christmas Day. Her lips quirked up into a smile.

"Merry Christmas, Harm."

He grinned back, and for the first time in months she saw some of her flyboy in his smile. "Merry Christmas, Mac." But then his expression grew serious again.

"Mac…one more thing. We've certainly covered a few important things tonight…but we didn't finish our discussion about what I said in court and in the bullpen, regarding your, uh, addiction. I don't think there is anything I can do or say to make that okay and I wish I could go back and change it all, but I can't. I'm sorrier than I can ever say about it all. I hope you can one day forgive me. I think you are amazing and so strong…I'm so impressed that you overcame your addiction and then became this kickass jarhead lawyer who's so, and forgive me for being so...well, _male_ , beautiful that I'm always afraid none of the men, and frankly some of the women, on the jury won't listen to a word I say when I'm in court with you. And I never once thought you were weak after Dalton, despite what I said…you got right back on the wagon and you've stayed there. Even after Paraguay. You are incredible; actually, that doesn't even begin to describe what you are. I just wanted you to know _that."_

Mac felt a tear slide down her cheek and she felt Harm's hand cup her cheek and brush away. She leaned into his palm, turning into it to give it the lightest of kisses before she sat back again. She saw him lose a battle with a huge yawn. She had to chuckle a bit at the sight.

"What time does your flight leave tomorrow, Harm?"

Another yawn escaped as he answered her. "0900, which means I should probably get home. I still need to pack."

She smiled to herself. That was so typical of Harm. They stood up from the sofa. "Yes, you should. Harm, thank you again for the bracelet. I do love it. I—I wanted to get you something too, but I…I didn't know if I should or even what you'd want. I'm sorry."

Harm brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "It's okay, Mac. We haven't been the best of friends of late. Speaking of which, I do want to change that. When I get back, would you want to have lunch with me, maybe go for a run sometime?" He looked at her expectantly.

"I would love that, Harm. I've missed you." She was embarrassed to feel her eyes fill with tears again, until she looked up and saw the tears in Harm's eyes as well.

"I've missed you too, Ninja Girl." He held his arms out to her and she went into them willingly. He held her close as she wrapped her arms around his waist, her head fitting perfectly under his chin and over his heart. The firm, steady beat of it thumped against her ear and for the first time since Paraguay and the Singer mess, she felt peace. Her friend was back.

She felt Harm's kiss to the crown of her head and then he let go of her. She immediately mourned the loss of him, but she knew she had to let him go. "Merry Christmas," she said again as she handed him his coat and walked him to the door.

Harm stepped across the threshold into the hall and turned around to face her again. "Merry Christmas," he answered back. He stared down at her for several seconds, while several unreadable storms passed through his eyes. "Um, Mac?"

"Yeah, Harm?" She was starting to squirm under his scrutiny.

"The whole thing with Singer, the idea that you thought I might have gotten someone else pregnant…"

Mac lowered her head as her cheeks burned with embarrassment and shame, but then she felt his hand raising her chin so he could look her in the eye.

"I have never wanted _someone_ else to have my children." His piercing gaze left her with no doubt of his meaning. Then he was gone, leaving her stunned in her doorway.

And for the first time in months, she felt the tender touch of hope.

 _End Chapter 6_


	7. Friends

_A/N: Chapter 7 is here! And now that it's done, guess what I'm going to do?! Charts! Yeah, I know, I have a problem._

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 7: Friends**

 _0004 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

"Hey, Chloe, can you get that for me?" The new year had just begun, and Mac's little 'sister' had come to spend New Year's Eve and New Year's Day with her. Chloe was now fifteen, as precocious as ever, but definitely calmer.

Mac had to smile as Chloe picked up the ringing phone for her; Chloe's telephone etiquette was immaculate, answering the phone with a crisp 'Colonel MacKenzie residence,' followed by her polite inquiry as to who was calling. Mac was so proud of her.

"Hey, Mac!" Chloe bellowed, hand not even covering the mouth piece. Apparently, etiquette only went so far. "He says he's a voice from the past!" By this point Mac had walked up behind Chloe, flinching at the loudness of her tone.

"Sorry, Mac. I thought you were still in the kitchen," Chloe whispered, not looking very sorry at all.

Mac quickly checked the caller ID. _Ah._ "Really, Harm? A voice from the past?" She smiled as she heard him chuckle.

"Well, it's still 2003 here." San Diego was three hours behind Washington.

"That's very clever, Harm. Everything alright?" She hadn't expected to hear from him while he was gone, so this was a surprise.

"Oh, yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to wish you a happy new year."

Mac felt warmth spread through her. It had been so long since he'd called her just to basically say hello. "Happy New Year to you too. What are you doing tonight to celebrate?"

"My parents are hosting a quote 'small' gathering. I'm hiding out in Frank's study."

"Harm, you should be out there! I'm sure your mom wants to show you off."

"Mac, I'm her forty-year-old, single, childless son. She's happy to store me in here while all her friends show her pictures of their grandchildren."

Mac wasn't sure how to respond to that. She could remind him of their deal which would be coming due in five short months. Or she could let it pass. _Or,_ she could tell him he didn't need to be single anymore…but, no. They needed to have their friendship on more solid ground before she went there.

"Maybe you'll meet someone there?" _Damn, why did I say that?_

"Mac, no one I want to be with is out there." His voice was low and husky. _Does he mean me?_

"They're all in their fifties and sixties…" _Oh, so that's what he meant…_

"Hey, Mac? What are you wearing?" _What?_

"Um, what, Harm?" She wasn't expecting that question.

"What are you wearing?" There was a smile in his voice.

 _"Wellll_ …It's pretty racy…"

"Do tell, Marine."

"It's blue…"

" _And?"_

"It's flannel…"

"You're killing me here, Mac."

Mac had to giggle at that. "Okay, okay, I'll put you out of your misery. I'm wearing my cowboy pajamas."

"Ooohh, my favorite!" Harm laughed then and Mac joined in. It was weird, wonderful, strange…all of that, to be bantering with Harm like this again, and suddenly Mac's eyes filled with happy tears. She turned her back to Chloe and brushed them away.

"Seriously, Harm. Get out there, have some fun. And you're not just her forty-year-old, single, childless son…you're a decorated naval hero, a pilot, a lawyer…and, may I say, devastatingly handsome." She blushed at her compliment to him. Out of the corner of her eye she caught Chloe giving her a knowing grin.

"Okay, Mac, with that endorsement, I promise I'll go out and mingle a bit and be around to drink champagne at midnight."

"Thank you. So, Harm, when do you get back in town?"

"My flight should get in around 2100 tomorrow, or I guess in your case, today, and then it'll be back to the old grind."

"I'll see you tomorrow, then. I'll be a little late; I have to drop Chloe off at the airport before I head in."

"Tell Chloe 'Hi' from me. I'll let you get back to her, and Mac?"

"Yeah, Harm?"

"This year's going to be much better than last year."

"You know Harm, I believe it will be." They listened to each other breathe for a few seconds until Harm spoke again.

"Happy New Year, Sarah."

Mac had to swallow the lump in her throat. "Happy New Year, Harm."

"Goodnight."

"You, too, Harm. See you tomorrow."

"I'll be there."

"Okay, then. Bye, Harm—oh wait, Chloe wants to say something to you." Mac handed the phone off to Chloe, who had been jumping in front of her and grabbing for the phone. She couldn't stop smiling. Their conversation was at once a conversation they'd had many times over the years—light banter, a little flirting…but it meant so much more now, and there was an undercurrent of something else there too. She listened with half an ear to Chloe's side of the conversation.

"Yeah, school is good. I'm going to be on the riding team…yeah, they really do have an equestrian team, Harm. Me, too. I'm glad I could make it here to spend time with Mac before school starts again. She _is_ great, isn't she?" Mac blushed a little. They were obviously talking about her, and it both embarrassed and elated her. She turned her attention back to Chloe and yawned. She was getting too old to stay up this late and she probably should save Harm from Chloe soon.

Mac motioned to Chloe that it was time to wrap it up. Chloe nodded but that old mischievous glint was back in her eye. _Oh, dear…_ Mac grabbed for the phone but Chloe dodged and turned her back to her. _Chloe, please, please behave…_

"So, Harm…when are you going to marry Mac?"

" _CHLOE!"_

* * *

 _0302 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac woke up with a start. The nightmares of Paraguay were few and far between, but that didn't make them any more pleasant. They also tended to throw off her time sense for a few minutes, so she looked over at the clock on the nightstand. _0302…_ Harm would just be ringing in the New Year in La Jolla. There had been many times in the last several months when, after waking from a nightmare, she'd reach for the phone, intent on calling him. Sometimes she'd have half the numbers dialed before she remembered what had happened between them…and then the nightmare wouldn't be the worst part of the night.

As she lay there in the dark, heart still pounding from images of Sadik stabbing her in what she dreamt was a real pregnant belly, she realized this time she _could_ call him. He'd be awake, they were friends again, it was New Year's…she reached for her phone.

And promptly drew her hand back. They probably weren't at the point where she could just call him in the middle of the night for comfort. She sighed and pulled the covers over her again. Headlights from a passing car floated across her wall, glinting off a bit of gold on her dresser.

It was her bracelet.

From Harm.

He was her friend again.

Before she could talk herself out of it, she had the phone in her hand and the familiar numbers dialed. He picked up on the second ring.

"Hello…Harm?"

* * *

 _0933 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Mac rushed down the hall toward the bullpen. She'd meant to be here at least forty-five minutes ago, but after dropping Chloe at the airport, a pileup on the beltway slowed traffic to a crawl. She had a meeting with a client that should have started three minutes ago, and she had wanted to go over a few things before she saw him. Feeling harried and frustrated, she burst through the bullpen doors.

"Ma'am, I put Lt. Allison in the conference room for you. Can I take those?" Harriet motioned to Mac's coat and cover.

"No, thanks, Harriet, I need to—yeah, that'd be great." Mac handed her things over to the somewhat confused lieutenant. It was clear Mac's attention had been captured by something—no, _someone—_ else.

Mac's chocolate-amber eyes met grey-green ones across the bullpen, and her mouth curved up into a happy grin as Harm's face lit up at the sight of her. He was standing with Bud, and Mac saw him say something to the younger man before he started heading in her direction. She met him halfway.

"Hey, how was your—"

"Did you get Chloe—" They both spoke at the same time, then chuckled when they both started speaking over each other again.

"You go first, Mac."

"How was your flight?" She was pleased to see he looked rested, and his skin didn't have as deep a winter pallor as it did before.

"It was long, but uneventful. Chloe on her way, then?"

"Yeah, but then I ran into an accident on the beltway, so now I'm even further behind. Speaking of…I'd better get to my client before he thinks I've dumped him."

"Yeah, you'd better snap to it, Colonel. Um…you think you might be free for lunch?" He rocked back and forth on his heels, his expression hopeful and anxious at the same time, reminding Mac of a nervous teen asking a girl out for the first time.

"Yeah, I should be…after this meeting I just have a pile of paperwork to do."

Harm's face broke out into his old flyboy grin. "Great! I'll stop by your office and pick you up around 1230, okay?"

"Sounds good, Harm." The two of them stood there, grinning at each other, their happiness going beyond the prospect of a simple lunch together.

Meanwhile, behind them, Harriet caught her husband's eye and winked. The bullpen had just gotten a whole lot brighter.

* * *

 _1258 Local (same day)_

 _JAG Headquarters Cafeteria_

 _Falls Church, VA_

"Hey, sorry about Chloe the other night." She watched Harm swallow his salad, looking for any signs that he was upset or uncomfortable about the marriage question. She was relieved to see the twinkle in his eyes as he waved away her concern.

"Nah, Chloe was just being Chloe. She's never one to mince words or beat around the bush, is she?"

"No, not our Chloe." She took a bite of her cafeteria hamburger, noting it was certainly no Beltway Burger, but so happy was she to have her friend back, she would have even eaten Harm's meatless meatloaf. Okay, she probably wouldn't actually do that, but she _was_ happy.

"Do you remember the first time she came to JAG?" Harm asked as he stabbed a slice of cucumber with his fork. Mac smiled at the memory.

"How could I forget? Especially when she climbed into the elevator. She is _so_ embarrassed by that now." They both chuckled.

"I met Jordan that day."

Mac's mouth suddenly went dry and it was an effort to swallow the bite she had just taken. _He had to bring up her? Now?_ Her appetite fled.

"Yes, you did." She looked up at him to find him staring off into the distance. "Do you…do you miss her?"

Harm looked thoughtful. "No, not really. I _am_ sad that she died, and it was pretty rough for a while, especially since it was all so senseless. It's still hard to wrap my mind around it…but no, I can't say I miss her. You know, I feel kind of bad about that, not missing her, but then I guess we hadn't seen each other since before I left to fly. I cared a lot for her, sure, but she was out of my life, _wanted_ out of my life after that, and it was just a weird coincidence that she contacted me so soon before she was killed." He looked over at her and shrugged. "I suppose that was more answer than you needed or wanted, huh, Mac?" Mac was about to answer him when he grinned suddenly, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Why, Marine? You jealous?"

Her eyes widened at that, but she just snorted and threw a french fry at him. "Of course not." _Yes, you are,_ her inner voice sing-songed. She knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of a dead woman, but she guessed some things never changed. She took a sip of her coke, hoping to wash down the bite of burger that still seemed stubbornly stuck in her esophagus.

"Well, she was certainly jealous of you."

* * *

 _1830 Local (one week later)_

 _Harm's Apartment_

 _North of Union Station_

Mac stood in front of Harm's door, a little apprehensive. She hadn't been to Harm's apartment since the night she found the ring, and quite frankly, she was afraid she would act weird. Of course, even if the ring hadn't been an issue, she'd probably still act strangely. The two of them hadn't had a casual dinner together since well before Paraguay, so this was somewhat of a big step for them. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"It's open!" she heard Harm call from inside. She stepped inside and saw him standing at the stove, stirring something in a saucepan.

"Sorry, Mac. I didn't want the sauce to burn. Hey, think you can stir this for me while I finish with the pasta?"

Mac just stared. For some reason, the sight of him at the stove, doing something he'd done countless times in her presence, made her choke up. She felt silly; he was doing something so _normal,_ but it reminded her once again of how much she'd missed him.

Harm was looking over his shoulder at her again. "Mac? Something wrong?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "You're cooking."

He moved the saucepan off the burner and turned completely around, clearly bemused. "Well, yeah. Don't I always—oh, right." He blushed and looked down at his feet, obviously remembering the last time she was here. "Um…sorry, I—"

"No, Harm, I just really missed your cooking, that's all." She gave him a smile, blinking back the tears that had formed. He smiled back.

"I missed you too, Mac."

* * *

 _1745 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Groundhog Day had dawned cold and sunny, and Punxsutawney Phil had definitely seen his shadow. It had grown even colder as the sun had set. Mac flittered around her apartment, tidying up, waiting for Harm to get there with their food. They were working on a case together, once again on the same side. Mac was nervous, excited, and felt incredibly silly for it. Harm had been to her place countless times, but everything since they had reconciled seemed to have deeper significance.

Mac looked back over the last month. They'd had lunch together quite often, had dinner a couple of times, and basically relearned how to be friends. Mac had slowly started confiding in Harm again; she finally told him about her occasional nightmares, and he told her to call him anytime if she had one. When she phoned him on New Year's Day, she didn't tell him about the dream that had just woken her up; she just took comfort in the sound of his voice as they both wished each other a happy new year again.

Harm told her about flying for the CIA. He couldn't really tell her much as most of it was classified, but he did tell her how much he loved flying so many different aircraft. Mac had worried that he was regretting returning to JAG, but he told her with a simple sincerity that he was exactly where he wanted to be.

The two of them bantered and flirted fairly innocently, though every once in awhile, Harm said something that made Mac wonder if it were more than just flirting. She always brushed the thought aside, though; Harm was probably just being… _Harm._

A knock sounded at her door and Mac quickly crossed the room to answer it. There was Harm, standing there in his service dress blues, his briefcase in one hand and a bag of Italian takeout in the other, with his sea bag slung over his shoulder. But there was something else…

"Here, these are for you." Harm handed her a small bouquet of flowers previously hidden by his other burdens. "To brighten your day after finding out we're going to have six more weeks of winter." It was an arrangement of delicate pink and yellow roses and Mac wondered where he had gotten them. He just winked at her and told her to put them in water. She leaned up to kiss his cheek as a thank you, and then did as she was told. Harm set out their dinner.

Later they sat together on the couch, arms almost touching while they reviewed notes from one of their interviews. Mac let out a big yawn.

"You ready to call it a night, Marine?" Mac stifled another yawn and shook her head.

"No, I'll be fine. I just had a short night."

Harm immediately looked concerned. "More nightmares?"

"Yeah, one. It wasn't that bad, though."

" _Maaac…_ I told you to call me if you had one. Anytime."

Mac smiled and patted his hand. "I know, Harm, but it really wasn't bad. It was more the headache."

"Headache? Does this happen a lot?"

 _Yeah, monthly, but I'm not telling you about THAT._ "Not really, just once in a while. I take the meds and they usually work fairly quickly, but it was a little rougher this time."

She could see he was still worried. "I promise you, Harm. It was nothing that hasn't happened before."

"How do you feel now?"

"Just fine, Harm. My neck's a little sti—ohhhh." Harm had started working out some of the kinks in her neck, his fingers stroking and prodding, and Mac felt her body relaxing under his ministrations. "God, Harm. You certainly haven't lost your touch."

He chuckled softly. "I just know where to touch you."

 _Did he just say that?_

"Did I just say that? Um, sorry, Mac." He took his hands from where they had been working the back of her head and neck. His fingers had been tangled up in her hair, and Mac was about to beg him to continue.

"Don't worry about it, Harm, just keep going." _No red lights here._

"Uh, better not, Mac. Besides, it's getting late and we both have court tomorrow. Let's just go over a couple more things and then I'll get out of your hair."

Mac sighed but she had to agree with him. She sat back on the couch and picked up her file again. "Okay, Harm. Have it your way." She smiled to let him know she wasn't upset.

They worked in companionable silence for a few minutes, looking over each other's notes, before Harm spoke again. "Mac?"

"Yeah, Harm?"

"You _will_ call me when you have another nightmare, promise?"

It seemed important to him, so she agreed, but he still seemed pensive. She put her hand on his arm. "Harm?"

"Um, Mac? Those times when you called…some of them were after a nightmare, weren't they..."

She couldn't lie to him. "Yeah, some of them. But they were a lot worse then. It's much better now."

Harm nodded and then fell silent once again. Four minutes and thirty-two seconds later she felt him shift beside her.

"Mac? I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls."

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "It's alright, Harm. You're here now."

* * *

 _1932 Local (three weeks later)_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

"So, Mac, what are we watching?" It was Friday night, and for the first time in almost a year, they were having a movie night. They'd each successfully completed a case, work was at a bit of a lull, so it was time to relax. He grabbed a handful of popcorn before sitting down beside her on the couch.

" _Charade_ with Cary Grant."

"Ah, a classic. You know, Cary Grant thought he was too old for Audrey Hepburn so he insisted _her_ character come on to his, rather than have his character come on to hers."

"Really? What was the age difference?"

"Twenty-five years, maybe?"

"That's it? But that's perfect!" She grinned over at him as she reached for some popcorn.

"Perfect? He'd be dead before you'd even be middle aged!"

She shrugged. "I like older men."

"Seriously?" He looked incredulous.

"You're an older man." Her smile was impish as she bumped his shoulder with hers.

" _Maaaac…_ five years is hardly 'older.' You'd seriously date a man twenty-five years older than you?"

She shifted her body toward him. "Harm, look at this from a practical standpoint. I marry a guy that much older, live the high life, he dies, I inherit his money, all while still being young enough to enjoy it. He'd be like my 401K, an investment toward my retirement." All this was said quite matter-of-factly.

Harm looked just a wee bit horrified. "Are you serious?" Mac nodded, trying to keep up an earnest expression. She failed miserably, though, and laughter bubbled out of her.

"Oh, Harm, the look on your fa—" Mac's words ended in a yelp of surprise. Harm had grabbed her and started tickling her. She squirmed, trying to get away, her laughter making her efforts ineffectual. Finally, she surrendered. Harm reached for the remote on the table and started the movie while Mac tried to catch her breath. She noticed that he still had his other arm around her. She noticed as the beginning credits rolled that he drew her in even closer to him. She noticed that she liked it… _a lot._

She snuggled into him and rested her head on his chest, her hand settling over his heart. "Harm?" she whispered. "I really do like older men."

She felt his answering groan rumble against her ear. "Well, we'll have to find you some guy that's at least twenty years old than you."

"Nah, five years is just fine."

She settled in to watch the movie while his arm tightened around her.

* * *

 _2256 Local (same night)_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

"We'll have to do this again soon, Mac." They were standing by her door, Harm preparing to leave.

"Yes, we should."

They just grinned at each other for a few beats.

"Well goodnight, Harm."

"Goodnight, Mac." He leaned forward and kissed her cheek.

"Drive safe."

"I will." He kissed her other cheek. He put his hand on the doorknob and started to turn it.

"Wait!" Mac cried. His hand dropped away from the knob. "You forgot your gloves." She handed them over and he slipped them into his pocket. "And your scarf!" She grabbed it and slid it around his neck. "There you go." She kissed him lightly on the lips.

"Um, Mac? This is your scarf." He pulled it off and put it around her neck. "Thanks, though." He leaned down and brushed her lips with his.

"Oh, yeah. You don't have a scarf." She stood on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"No, I don't." He stared down at her. "Goodnight, Mac."

"Goodnight, Harm." She raised herself up again, intent on kissing his other cheek.

But then Harm moved...

Her lips fell on the corner of his mouth. She froze in place for a long moment, then ever so lightly brushed her lips over his mouth until she hovered directly over it, their lips now mere millimeters apart. Her tongue peaked out to moisten her Cupid's bow, and with another flick of the tongue she tasted his lips as well.

 _Oh, god..._

Suddenly Harm grabbed hold of her upper arms, pulling her toward him until her body was flush with his. His lips crashed down on hers and his tongue swept across the seam of her mouth, begging for entrance. She opened for him, their tongues meeting to tease and dance. Strong arms wound around her as she slid her hands up his chest, then around his neck to weave her fingers through his soft hair. She pulled him even closer to her as they each tasted what the other had to offer. And yet, she wanted, _needed,_ more of him. His hands stroked up and down her back, leaving trails of fire in their wake. One hand tangled itself in her hair and Mac was sure she'd combust in the heat of their kiss.

It was heaven...

Until he stopped.

He pulled back abruptly and her gaze lifted to meet his storm-tossed sea green eyes, widened with shock.

"Oh, god, Mac. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—it was great, but it was too soon, wasn't it? Please don't be upset."

 _Upset? Did he not just feel her tongue in his mouth? She was hardly upset._ "Harm, no, no, it was—"

"I'd better leave now, I'm really sorry, Mac. I should have waited, I—"

"Harm, no, you should—"

Harm yanked the door open. "Goodnight, Mac. I'll behave next time, I promise. Just…just don't be mad, okay?"

"Harm—" She tried to get his attention, but he continued rambling and mumbling as he rushed out her door. Mac stood there stunned. How could he not see that she wanted that kiss? Hell, she'd actually kissed him on the lips first. She'd practically been in his lap the whole night! For once she was sure he really did want her, that he wasn't running out on her because he actually regretted kissing her. But he thought she wasn't ready?

 _Idiot!_

She couldn't let him leave without knowing what she wanted. He'd be all awkward around her and it would probably be another eight years before he'd make a move. She looked around frantically for her coat. _My room!_ She'd left it in there when she changed out of her uniform. She stepped in that direction. _No!_ There was no time for that. She shoved her feet into some ancient sneakers and shot out the door. She didn't even stop to lock it behind her.

Mac burst through the main doors of her building, looking around frantically. _Where had he parked?!_ Finally, she spotted him, just unlocking the door of his Lexus. "Harm!" she shouted. She started running toward him as he whipped around. She wondered what she could say to him to convince him not to run away. The distance between them was closing fast. She couldn't find the words. Her mind was blank.

Maybe it was time to let her actions speak for themselves.

Harm's arms opened to catch her as she leapt into them. Their lips met in a fiery, passionate kiss as Mac wound her arms around his neck. "Don't go!" she breathed into his mouth.

He pulled back a little and looked deep into her eyes, the question obvious in his. She nodded. "Stay, Harm."

"You want that, you want us?" She nodded again. "You won't go away again?" She knew he didn't mean that in just the physical sense. She brushed her lips against his.

"Never!" she said, fiercely. She nipped at his lips again then tilted her head back to look him straight in those stormy eyes. "And this time, I mean it."

 _End Chapter 7_


	8. Temptation

_A/N: Here is chapter 8! I don't have much to say right now other than thanks for all the reviews, follows, faves and such. Unfortunately, I think I ate some bad Chinese, so you can imagine what's going on around here…_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 8: Temptation**

 _2320 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

"Here, you sit down, we'll get you covered up, and I'll get the fire going." Harm pulled a blanket down from the back of her couch and tucked it in around her.

"Harm, I'm fine," she protested. "I wasn't out there that long."

"You're shivering."

"I am not!" She was.

"Your teeth are chattering."

"They are not." They were.

Harm raised an eyebrow. "Just humor me then, Mac."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine." She supposed it couldn't hurt to indulge him. She pulled the blanket more tightly around herself as she watched him working at the fireplace. _How long does it take to get a fire going? I'm freez—uh, a fire would be so romantic._

Finally, the fire sprang to life and he sat back, admiring his work.

"Thanks, Harm," Mac said, rather meekly. Okay, she really was cold. The fire was nice, but she could use some body heat in the form of one Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr. too.

Harm stood. "You're welcome. Now, hot chocolate or tea?"

 _Neither. "_ I'm good, Harm. Come on over here." _I'm sure you can warm me up._

"Mac, you need something warm in you."

Mac raised both her eyebrows and looked pointedly at him. She let her eyes drift downward and then slowly raised them up again, giving Harm a little smile when she met his eyes. Her smile widened when she saw the blush creeping up his cheeks. "Uh, red light, Colonel." She giggled and he finally offered a good-natured chuckle. "I'll just get us some hot chocolate, okay?"

"Sure, Flyboy." _Then get back in here._ While Harm puttered in the kitchen, Mac mused over the last twenty or so minutes…

* * *

 _Twenty minutes ago…_

" _Stay, Harm."_

" _You want that, you want us? You won't go away again?"_

" _Never! And this time, I mean it."_

Once again, Harm pulled her in for a kiss, nudging her lips open so his tongue could enter mouth. Their tongues tangled together as Harm lifted her off the ground. Heedless of the world around them, Mac wrapped her legs around his waist, and he turned them around so her back was against the door of his Lexus. She gasped as the cold metal met her skin, and it was then that she remembered she was clad only in sweatpants and a t-shirt. But then Harm's lips moved to a point behind her ear and she forgot all about it again.

Mac had never been kissed like this before and she never wanted it to stop. One of Harm's hands moved down to her six, pressing her into him. She didn't even notice that she was shivering as Harm captured her lips again. A dog barked in the distance, the only other presence in the small bubble of passion they'd created. Harm's body molded perfectly to hers, and in his arms, she'd found a home.

Gradually they came up for air, Harm still holding her tightly against him. He nuzzled her cheek, then rested his forehead against hers. The dog barked again, closer this time.

A few beats passed, and Mac heard the crunch of snow under a boot nearby. She drew her head away from Harm's and looked over his shoulder. _Crap._ "Hello, Mrs. Bevins."

"Hello, Sarah. Enjoying the cold, I see." Her dog continued to bark at her feet. Just her luck that Princess Lillibet had to pee at this time of night. "Sarah, why aren't you wearing your coat?"

"Uhhh, I forgot?" Harm looked at her sharply and allowed her legs to drop back down to the ground.

"Mac, you're not wearing a coat?!" He shrugged out of his and wrapped it around her shivering body. They forgot about Mrs. Bevins, who eventually walked off with her dog, mumbling about the lack of sense in today's young people.

"Mac, seriously…why aren't you wearing a coat?" He rubbed his hands up and down her arms.

She shrugged. "No time. I had to c-catch y-you." Her teeth were chattering.

"You could have just called me, you know."

"And miss a kiss like that? Not a chance, Flyboy." _I couldn't let you run away. A phone call wouldn't have done it._

"Okay, then, let's get inside and get you warmed up. Me too; suddenly I find myself quite without a coat."

Harm wrapped an arm around her shoulders and together they walked back into her building.

* * *

"Here you go, Mac." He handed her a steaming mug of hot chocolate, complete with marshmallows _and_ whipped cream. She took a sip.

"Mmmm, just the way I like it. Thanks, Harm." She took another drink then set it on the table. "Now, come here and keep me warm."

He grinned and she gave a yelp as he picked her up and sat her on his lap, blanket and all. He wrapped his long arms around her and she snuggled into him. "I could stay here forever, Harm."

"That'd be okay with me." He kissed her on the forehead and squeezed her tightly. They sat there in comfortable silence, Mac's fingers making tiny circles on his chest.

Mac was starting to feel drowsy as Harm's hands roamed her back. It felt so good to be held like this, held by him. She sighed contentedly.

"Penny for your thoughts, honey?" Mac smiled at the endearment.

"This just feels good, Harm. Makes me wonder why we haven't been doing this for years now." She leaned over and grabbed her mug of hot chocolate and took another sip before settling back into Harm's embrace.

"You and me both, sweet thing," he said, nuzzling her cheek with his now. He dropped a kiss behind her ear and she shivered.

"Still cold?" he whispered.

She smiled. "The opposite, actually." She reached up and pulled his face down to hers, starting another round of frenzied kissing. Lips met, tongues clashed, and by the time they came up for air, Mac found herself straddling Harm's lap. His hands had found their way under her shirt and the feel of them on her skin caused her to press into Harm further, feeling her hardened nipples against the broadness of his chest. His growing arousal pressed up toward her center and she nearly came unglued.

But it was too soon.

"Harm," she gasped, even as she rained moist kisses down his throat. "We need to slow down."

He nipped at her lips before he rested his forehead against hers. "I know, baby." He sighed. "I don't want to."

"I don't either, but I…I think we'd better." He nodded against her, then drew back. She slipped off his lap and curled into his side instead. His arm went around her shoulders as she tried to regain her equilibrium, thinking that she must be insane. Here was Harm, warm and willing…no, they had a few things they needed to work through—eight years of miscommunications and misunderstandings for a start. Plus, they should probably go on an actual date…

"Take me out, Harm," she blurted, surprising herself.

"What, now? It's a bit late…"

She chuckled. "No, Harm, I meant take me out on a date. Dinner, dancing, something…um, I've always wondered what going on a date with you would be like," she admitted shyly.

It surprised her when a blush crept up his cheeks. "Harm?"

"I've always wondered what going on a date with _you_ would be like." His lips curved up in a gentle smile. "I've imagined it a million times since I met you, but I have a feeling those fantasies will pale in comparison to the real thing."

She reached up and kissed his cheek. "Me too." She sat there a moment, just content to finally be close to Harm. Then a thought ran through her head and she had to laugh. "You know, Harm. With so many years of fantasizing about each other, about our first date, we may be setting ourselves up for a big disappointment."

Harm chuckled. "Not possible, sweet thing." He kissed her on the temple.

Mac did have one question, though. "Harm? What's with the 'sweet thing'?"

"You don't like it?" Mac had the feeling he was stalling—that he didn't really want to tell her.

"I don't know…why don't you tell me why you came up with that particular 'endearment' and then I'll decide." Truthfully, pretty much anything coming out of his mouth sounded pretty good to her tonight, but she sensed a story behind this one. She patted him on his stomach. "Come on, tell me."

"It's a bit embarrassing…"

"I don't care."

Harm snorted. "Of course, you don't. You're not the one who's going to be embarrassed."

" _Haaarm,"_ she wheedled.

Harm rolled his eyes, but she could tell he wasn't really upset, and she knew she was going to get what she wanted eventually. "You really want to know?"

Mac nodded. "More than ever, Flyboy."

Harm let out a long-suffering sigh but then grinned. He pulled her back onto his lap. "Fine, Ninja Girl, but don't say I didn't warn you."

"Fair enough, Harm. Now talk."

"Okay…it all started when I was acting JAG and fell out of the admiral's chair…"

* * *

 _1859 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac was nervous. Excited. Giddy. All of those things. Harm was coming to pick her up for their first date. He told her to wear something nice; she hoped he liked what she put on. She'd gone shopping one evening after work, feeling that a first date with Harm merited a new dress. New shoes. New makeup. She'd spent more at the mall in one evening than she had during the whole of last year, but as she looked at herself one more time in the mirror, she thought maybe it was worth it. She'd found a wine-red dress that was simple but hugged her curves in a way that highlighted her assets without being trashy or too revealing. The shoes were an indulgence; in truth, she had shoes that would work well with this dress, but when she saw this pair, she knew she had to have them. They were probably the most expensive shoes she'd ever bought but when she put them on and held the newly purchased dress up to her to see how they would look, she fell in love.

She jumped at the sound of a knock at her door. _He was here!_ Fighting the urge to run to her door and fling it open, she left her bedroom and walked across her living room, taking a few deep breaths before she _gently_ opened the door.

"Hello, Harm. Come on in."

* * *

 _2311 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

"I had a great time, Harm. Thank you." She smiled up at her date, wondering for the thousandth time how one man could look so good. She'd always thought he'd filled out his uniform better than anyone she'd ever known. Dress whites made her heart flutter, but it was really his dress blues that made her crazy. He was of course out of uniform tonight, but what he did for the grey suit he was wearing currently turned her insides into jelly too. The blue on blue shirt and tie brought out the blue in his eyes, and Mac found herself just staring at him several times during their date. Yes, blue really was his color.

The elevator dinged indicating they'd reached her floor, and Harm offered her his arm to escort her down the hall. "I'm glad you enjoyed it, Sarah." They'd done the dinner/dancing thing, but it was so much more than the average date. It probably had everything to do with the company, but Mac had never enjoyed a date more. They'd talked, laughed, stole kisses from each other, and it was shame that it was now coming to an end. They stopped at her door and Mac unlocked it.

"Would you like to come in, Harm?"

"I'd love to, but I'm trying to be a gentleman here."

She rolled her eyes. "Harm, you could never be anything but."

Harm leaned down for a light kiss. "Oh, you think so?"

She countered with a kiss of her own. "Yes, I do, Harm."

"Well, I'm not sure a gentleman would do _this."_ His arms shot around her, one at her back, the other on her six, and yanked her to him. Their kiss this time was raw and demanding, their tongues sweeping into each other's mouth, Harm's hands wandering up and down her back only to drift down to her six again. He pressed her body against his and she felt the beginnings of his arousal against her belly.

"No, Harm," she said in a purr. "A gentleman would _not_ do that…but thank god I was so wrong about you." She pulled him down for another kiss, reaching back and pushing the door open so Harm could back her into her apartment. As soon as they crossed the threshold, Harm turned her around, using one hand to slam the door shut, and then she was up against it. His hand then moved over her hip and down her leg, drawing it up around him.

Mac's hands weren't exactly idle either; they slid across his back, down to his perfectly muscled six and back up again. She moved them around to his chest and she let one drift down in between them, cupping over the erection that strained against his zipper. Harm was in the middle of fondling one of her breasts, squeezing harder and hissing when she stroked him through his pants.

"Oh, _fuck,_ Mac." Mac gave a low, sultry laugh as she teased his lips again with hers. Harm had never sworn in front of her before, and the fact that he was doing it now told her she had finally made him lose control.

 _Control…_

As if he read her thoughts, Harm suddenly stepped away from her and turned around. _What now, dammit?!_

"Mac, I—we shouldn't…yet," he said in a strangled tone. "I mean, I want to…but…we shouldn't."

Mac didn't know whether to scream in frustration or just punch him. Or maybe cry. Maybe this was just his way of saying he didn't want her that way. Maybe he regretted "starting" things with her. Maybe—

"Why not, Harm?"

"You have that rule…"

 _Rule? What rule?_

"What rule?"

"You know…"

Mac shook her head. She was bewildered.

"Your _rule."_

"Dammit, Harm—I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about!"

"The three-date rule."

"That doesn't help me, Harm."

He looked embarrassed. "Three dates before…before…"

 _Oh, for fu—uh, goodness sake. "Harm!_ Just spit it out!"

"Before sex!" He was blushing furiously.

Mac just blinked at him. Then she burst out laughing.

Harm scowled at her. "It's not that funny, Mac."

She did her best to get herself back under control. The poor guy. He really was honorable to a fault. She stepped forward…only to have the top of her dress slide off her arms. "What—" She reached a hand behind her and realized her dress was unzipped. "When did you do that, Harm?" She looked down and realized he'd unhooked her bra as well. "Jeez, Harm, you really do have the fastest fingers in the navy."

Harm was really blushing now, his face red to the tips of his ears. "I've always been good with my hands," he mumbled, looking down at the floor and rubbing his hand nervously over the back of his neck.

"I'll say." She managed to reach around and rehook her bra, but after she pulled the dress back up over her shoulders, she found the zipper was stuck. "Um, Harm…you'll have to help me here."

Looking like a man being led to the slaughter, Harm shuffled toward her.

"Good lord, Harm. I'm not going to jump you. Get over here and zip this up so we can talk about it!"

He murmured something under his breath that Mac didn't catch. "Say that again, Harm?"

"Nothing, Mac. Turn around." She complied and he worked at her zipper. After he succeeded in his efforts, she felt his breath dance across the nap of her neck before she felt his lips there as well. "I'm just afraid I'm going to jump _you."_ His hand snaked around her waist to rest on her belly, pulling her closer to him as nibbled on her earlobe. "But you were pretty adamant about the three-date thing." He gave her one last kiss behind her ear before letting go of her. "Mac, I really don't want to mess this up, so yes, let's talk about this."

They sat down at opposite ends of the couch, not looking at each other, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Mac spoke. "You're right, Harm. I did have that 'rule'. I haven't thought about it in a long time…I, uh, haven't dated anyone since Mic and I haven't, um, been with anyone since then either." It had been over two years since the disaster of her engagement to Brumby, and to her chagrin she was embarrassed that she hadn't had sex since then either. She chanced a look at Harm, who was staring at her thoughtfully.

"You don't need to be embarrassed, Mac," he said gently. "It's been since Renee for me." Mac's eyes widened in surprise. Sure, she hadn't heard that he'd gone out with anyone, but she just assumed a man like Harm would never be free of companionship for long.

It struck her that that assumption was disingenuous. Harm wasn't one for casual sex, no matter the amount of jet jock arrogance he demonstrated. "Okay, Harm. Let's work this out. First off, I want to…" Mac felt the blush spread over her cheeks. "I want us to…I want _you,_ Harm. But I don't want to mess this up either. So…I think we have a few options."

Harm studied her a minute before nodding. "I'm listening."

"Option one," she continued. "We throw caution to the wind and I let you ravish me, right here and right now." Harm's eyes widened and he gulped.

"Option two: We go with my original rule…at least three dates before we, uh…you know…"

It was Harm's turn to razz her a bit. "You mean, 'have sex', Mac?" He wiggled his eyebrows at her. She smirked at him.

"Yes, that, Harm."

"So, what's option three?" Harm asked after a moment of silence.

"Option three is we give it a certain time period, say a month, before we give the okay."

Looking a bit forlorn, Harm rested his elbow on his knee, chin in his hand. "Well, I suppose we're both in agreement that option one is out, right?"

Mac felt a twinge of regret, but she had to agree. "Yeah, no to option one…dammit." She smiled ruefully at him.

Harm turned thoughtful. "You know, though…we have been on more than one date…"

"Oh, and when was that?"

"When we were at the Sudanese Embassy."

"That was work, Harm."

He turned and leaned toward her, his best "convince the jury" look on his face. "Hey, there was dinner, dancing…and let's not forget that you went home with me that night."

Mac gave a short bark of laughter. "Because I fell asleep in the car and you forgot to take me home!"

Harm scooted toward her on the couch and laid his hand on her arm. "We shared a bed that night…"

Mac looked down at his hand. "We did, didn't we," she whispered, remembering how she'd woken in his arms, wondering for a moment how she had gotten there, pretending to still be asleep as he started to stir. They were fresh from their trip to Russia, his emotions still raw, and her just coming to terms with the fact that she loved him as more than just a friend. As he eased away from her that morning, it had been so difficult not to reach out and stop him, not to pull him back and wrap herself around him. But she managed to keep herself in check, and the moment passed by like so many others had over the years.

"Okay, Harm. Say we consider that as a date. That's two then…"

"I got it! The time we went to that concert that never was."

He was really reaching now. "Harm! I came with Mic and you came with Renee. That hardly counts."

"Yeah, true enough, but honestly that night…Mac, watching you and Brumby together…jealous doesn't even begin to describe what I felt that night. I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Renee saw that…I know she did. She left for a video shoot after that and I didn't hear from her for a good week. I should have let her go then. I treated her so unfairly…but in the end I couldn't stand the thought of being alone while you had Brumby. God, I was such an ass. To both of you." He hung his head.

"Harm…we were both asses then. By then, though I did love Mic, I had had so many dreams and fantasies about you. I almost said your name once when we…well, you know."

Mac wasn't expecting Harm to burst out laughing. This was a serious discussion they were having! She glared at him and opened her mouth to speak but he held up his hand to stop her.

"Mac, I'm sorry, it's just…well, we're quite a pair, aren't we? Supposedly two smart people, but so blind. I say we go with option three. We'll give it a good month, and if it feels right to both of us, we can…"

"Have sex?" She winked at him, but his face turned serious and he took both of her hands in his.

"No…make love."

 _End Chapter 8_


	9. Love

_A/N: And here's another chapter!_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 9: Love**

 _1718 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Mac hated days like this. She stood at her office window, watching the sleet fall and hearing the wind blow it against the glass. Every now and then a flash of lightening would light up the sky, illuminating the parking lot below. She did not relish driving home in this weather; it was likely to be icy and it seemed the city's denizens could never remember how to drive in it. She sighed.

Harm was behind in paperwork and had decided to stay here and work on it before leaving for the weekend. They had plans for tomorrow; there was a new paleontology exhibit at the Smithsonian that they were going to see to be followed by a relaxing evening of movies and dinner at her apartment. She had been hoping to have a nice dinner out with Harm tonight, but when she saw the pile of overdue reports on his desk, she understood why he might want to stay behind and finish it. Then they could spend the rest of the weekend together free and clear of "homework."

March thus far had been a bust weather-wise. It was still unseasonably cold and despite there being only a couple of weeks or so before the official start of spring, she wasn't optimistic that the weather would be improving anytime soon.

Mac gathered her things and stepped over to Harm's office. His head was bent over his keyboard and he was typing away furiously. He hadn't noticed her yet, so she took some time to admire him and think over the last couple of weeks.

They'd been on a few dates, more than enough to satisfy her old three-date rule. They'd spent most evenings together at one of their apartments, cuddling and talking about anything and everything. They laughed, cried once or twice, even argued. They talked about their history of hurting one another, mostly unwittingly, and they worked through some lingering issues regarding Mic and Renee, Webb and Paraguay. They were now more intimately connected than ever before, and Mac wondered if their timeline of a month before they were _intimate_ was a bit of overkill. Maybe tomorrow she should broach that subject with Harm…

"Hey!" Mac was pulled from her reverie by Harm's voice.

"Hey, yourself." She stepped into his office and set her cover and briefcase on one of his visitor's chairs. "How's it going?"

He grimaced. "Slowly. But I'll get through it and then our weekend will be free and clear." He grinned at that and she responded with a grim of her own. He tapped a few more keys on his keyboard.

"Well, Harm, I'm going to take off. I am _not_ looking forward to driving in this tonight." She waved an arm at Harm's window as another flash of lightening brightened the sky.

"Hmmmm…" Harm typed out a few more words, mind obviously on his reports. Mac was surprised when his head suddenly shot up. "What did you say, Mac?"

"I said I'm taking off."

"And after that?"

She looked at him blankly.

"You said something after that." She was a little confused. Harm was now completely focused on her and there was a tightness about his eyes and mouth that bewildered her.

"Oh, I said I was not looking forward to driving in this weather."

Harm stood up. "Well, you're not."

"Excuse me?" Now she was really confused.

"I said, you aren't driving in this. I'm taking you home." He started shutting down his computer and gathering papers into his briefcase.

"Harm, don't be silly. This is nothing I have driven in before. Stay. Finish your reports. I'll see you tomorrow." She picked up her cover and case and made to head out his door. She felt his hands grab her around the shoulders before she'd even taken a full step. He turned her back around. "Harm, what the—" But then she saw the look on his face.

He looked frantic, desperate almost as he gripped her arms. "Mac, please. Humor me. The Lexus has much better traction than your 'vette."

"Well, it's still going to be icy. Your Lexus will slide on that just as much." Even as she protested, she knew she was starting to relent.

"Yeah, but the Lexus is still safer. Please?" His pleading tone completely did her in.

"Okay, Harm. I'll let you take me home." Harm's whole body relaxed then, and he went about gathering his things and putting on his coat. Guiding her by the small of her back, they left the bullpen and headed for the elevators.

* * *

 _1746 Local_

 _Harm's Lexus_

Mac studied Harm from the passenger seat of his Lexus. His face held a look of absolute concentration as he navigated the icy streets, and he hadn't said a word since they had pulled out of the parking lot. The windshield wipers went back and forth hypnotically, swiping away the needles of icy rain that fell on it, and Mac shivered.

"Warm enough?" She jumped at the unexpected sound of his voice.

"Yeah, it's fine. I just hate days like this."

"Me too," he said tightly.

The remainder of the drive was spent in silence.

* * *

 _1817 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Harm pulled up to her door. "Are you coming up?" she asked. "It's gotten worse…maybe you should wait it out here." She didn't miss the white-knuckle grip he had on the steering wheel. He, at the very least, needed a break. "Harm?"

"Yeah, I will. You go on up and I'll go park, okay?"

"Okay." She exited the vehicle and as soon as she was through the main doors of her apartment, he drove away.

* * *

 _1820 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac left the door open for Harm as she removed her coat and tossed it over a chair. She changed out of her uniform, then started gathering things for dinner. She was surprised Harm was taking so long to get parked, but she wasn't worried yet. She decided some warm tea was in order and as she set the pot on the stove, Harm finally arrived.

"Hey, I'm putting on some tea—did you want-" She turned around but stopped mid-sentence when she saw him. He was shivering, his hair wet and his coat likely soaked through. She wondered inanely why he didn't own anything warmer. Harm was also limping.

"Harm, what happened?"

"Oh, um, I slipped…twisted that knee a bit." She remembered he'd injured his knee the night he ended up in the Atlantic during her rehearsal dinner.

"You want some ice?"

He shook his head but didn't make any move to take off his coat.

"Harm? Are you going to take off your coat? It looks soaked through." He didn't acknowledge her, and Mac covered her worry for him by getting his coat off herself. He at least cooperated. She took his hand and gasped at the sheer iciness of it.

"Damn, Harm. What happened out there?" She was more worried about what was going on with him mentally than physically. She rubbed his hand between hers, then worked on the other one. That finally seemed to bring him out of his stupor.

"Um, nothing Mac. I just had to park a ways away then slipped a bit on the ice. I forgot my gloves at work…"

"Harm…that's not what I meant." She led him over to her sofa and sat down next to him. "Spill."

"It's nothing, Mac. I just…hate weather like this."

Mac's brow furrowed. "So do I."

"No, Mac. I _hate_ weather like this."

"Why?" She rubbed circles on his back.

"Because it feels like…it feels like…"

It suddenly hit her. "When you crashed the night of my—"

"Yeah." He shook his head. "I know, it's stupid. I mean, my god, I'm not afraid to fly, hell, I've even flown in stormy weather…but a little sleet…and I…"

Mac took his hand in both of hers. "Go on, Harm."

He sighed. "It's the way it feels when it hits you in the face. Like a thousand little needles. And it's so cold…

Mac felt her eyes fill with tears. They had discussed the events around his crash—her aborted wedding, Mic leaving, going to Harm's place afterwards only to find Renee there, but they had never discussed what it was like for him, or her for that matter, when he ejected into the ocean.

"I'm sorry, Harm."

"No, it isn't your fault. And I feel like an idiot…usually I don't get this bad, but sometimes it just hits me. I was going to wait until it eased up before leaving tonight, but I couldn't let you go out there alone."

"Harm, I've driven in weather worse than this."

"Yeah, but now you're…we're…and honestly, even before I would worry about you."

"Oh, Harm…" She wrapped her arms around him. "Did you ever see someone after…after that, I mean, professionally?"

He shook his head. "Not really. I had to meet a couple of times with a psychologist before I went before the board, but that was in the summer, so it hadn't come up yet. I didn't expect to react like that…when it first happened, I had just stepped outside planning to get groceries. As soon as the ice hit my face, I had a flashback. I remembered the spray of the ocean and the rain still falling on me. I really thought I was going to die that day…"

Mac could only pull him closer to her. She had been terrified that night; the weather had been awful in DC too and all she could think of was that he was out in it. Cold. Alone. She stifled a sob.

Harm turned in her embrace. "Mac, don't cry. I'll be alright. I've never talked about this before with anyone…and now that I have, I think it will get better."

Mac swiped at the few tears that had escaped. "I hope so, Harm. You know, we should probably talk about that whole night. We've talked about everything else, but Harm, that was one of the worst nights of my life and I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for you."

They sat and held each other until the tea kettle whistled. She started to stand to go take care of it, but then she noticed Harm was still shivering. "Harm? Why don't you go hop in the shower and get warmed up, and I'll get started on dinner and the tea."

He nodded, but before she could stand all the way, he grabbed her around the waist and plunked her down on his lap. His lips found hers in a searing kiss and once again she found herself shifting to straddle him. The kiss took on a life of its own for endless seconds, and as he brushed her lips with his one last time she asked, "What was that for?"

"Just for being you. For listening to me, for caring, for being so incredibly beautiful that I'm going to embarrass myself in a minute if you keep sitting where you're sitting."

She gave a light chuckle and started wriggling off his lap, hearing Harm's groan as she did so. "Mac, that isn't helping."

Her lips quirked up in a little smile. "Oh, I think it is." She wiggled provocatively over him and had to laugh at his pained expression.

"How much longer is left in our month?" his strangled voice asked.

"Maybe too long." She leaned in to kiss him, but this time kept it light, not wanting him to think she was pressuring him any. "Now, help me up so I can get dinner ready."

Harm did as she asked, and soon he was standing as well. He stepped forward and cupped her face in his hands. He stared intently into her eyes for a few beats, then said something she was not expecting.

"I love you, Mac."

His declaration made her tears fall again. As he lowered his lips to hers, she breathed her answer into his mouth. "I love you too, Harm."

* * *

 _1834 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac was in a quandary. Harm had gone to shower, and she was supposed to be starting dinner. She had given up on the tea; instead she just stood in her kitchen, thinking of the man currently undressing in her bathroom. In the last couple of weeks, they had talked, yes, but they'd also engaged in several fevered make out sessions that left them tingling with arousal. They'd held back thus far, but right now, she had no idea what they were waiting for. They'd covered a lot of ground since becoming a couple, and with most if not all of the past hurts and misunderstandings had been laid to rest. Mac sighed, a frequent occurrence for her lately. She turned back to her cupboards, but then she had a thought.

Harm hadn't brought anything other than his uniform to wear tonight, but it just so happened she had stolen a pair of his sweats a few years ago. She should probably get those out for him. She made her way to the bedroom, hearing the shower come on as she pulled the sweats out of a drawer. She started to lay the sweats out on her bed and heard him pull the shower curtain back. He must be getting under the water now. Maybe she should put the sweats in the bathroom for him. They'd be easier to find then.

She pushed open the bathroom door and set the sweats on the toilet. The furnace and the steam from the shower had made the bathroom quite warm, so she pulled her sweatshirt over her head. It landed in a heap in front of the sink. Her jeans followed when she found she was still rather hot. She looked around the bathroom, making sure Harm had found the towels. The fleeting thought that she should probably go back to her kitchen duties went through her mind, only to be pushed out by the worry that Harm might need help given his reinjured knee. Off went her bra and panties. She stepped toward the shower.

Her hand reached for the curtain. Yes, Harm was sure to need some help…

She pulled back the curtain, hesitating when it was time to step inside. Her blood was pounding in her ears. _Oh, cut the crap, MacKenzie. You know exactly what you are doing. Get in there!_

She stepped carefully and silently over the side of her tub. Harm's back was toward her-that perfect, muscled back that led down to his even more perfect six. Her arm stretched out toward him; her fingers, their touch feather light, found his shoulder. "Harm?"

He turned around, mouth dropping open at the sight of her naked body. His eyes drifted down toward her breasts, then lower still to where the desire pooled within her. She looked down as well, wanting to see the part of him that she'd been dreaming about for years.

She wasn't disappointed. She'd always suspected he would be well-endowed, but the fantasy paled in comparison to the real thing, especially as it started to grow before her eyes. She felt Harm's fingers lift her chin.

"Sarah, are you sure?"

She wasn't sure she could speak, so she merely nodded.

"And our month?"

She ran her hands over the now wet bulging pecs she'd dreamt about since the night she had watched over Harm when they feared Palmer was coming for him. "Over," she said, finally finding her voice.

At that, he crushed her against him, his lips seeking hers. She felt his arousal against her stomach, and it sent a jolt to her core as his tongue plundered her mouth. His hands roamed over her body, drifting down to her six and back up again, then moved to caress her breasts. His thumbs brushed over her nipples, by now hard and erect, before taking each into his mouth, swirling his tongue around them. Mac reached down in between them, finding his hardened manhood and stroking it once, twice and he gasped at her touch. His hand found the aching bundle of nerves at her center and he teased it with his thumb before slipping two fingers inside her. She moaned and it spurred him on even more. His lips and then his tongue ravished her throat and shoulders and then dipped down to the valley between her breasts. She whimpered as his fingers left her core to stroke and palm her breasts, rolling her cinnamon nipples between his fingers and then gently tugging at them. "So beautiful," he murmured.

Harm then dropped to his knees, kissing his way downward, over her stomach and down to her mound, his tongue seeking out that which had readied itself for him. He licked and teased as Mac's legs turned to rubber. Her arms went about his shoulders so she could hold herself upright, crying out when his fingers slipped inside her once again. He looked up at her through his lashes. "Oh, Sarah, you taste...so good...and you're so wet. Just for me. I want you to come for me, baby. Come, Sarah." He resumed his oral assault on her, his tongue swirling about her bud, his mouth drawing it in and suckling at it, driving Mac wild. Her cries became incoherent as she bucked against him, her fingers lacing through his silky hair, holding his head at her core. He smiled against her, his tongue lapping up her juices as it slid through her slick folds. "Oh, baby...you're so, so tight..." His fingers still slid in and out, faster and faster, curling and turning within her, until she finally came with his name on her lips. He continued to stroke her, slower now, drawing out her orgasm until she thought she might just spontaneously combust right there. "Ha-a-a-arm!" she cried again, clenching her inner muscles around his fingers, her knees buckling. He slid his fingers out of her and pulled her down to him, kissing her with a new passion. She tasted herself on his lips and it aroused her even more.

"Harm, I need you. Inside me. _Now!"_ She reached for his cock, but he stopped her.

"Wait, Sarah. I want our first time to be in a bed." He stared intently into her eyes and she nodded. He wrapped his arm around her to help her stand and then reached behind him to turn the water off. Mac felt the chill as he yanked back the curtain and stepped out, giving her his hand to help her step out as well. Before she could find her footing, he scooped her up in his arms and carried her out to the bed, laying her still wet body in the center of it. He followed, hovering above her as she opened her legs for him. He settled in between them, his erection poised at her entrance, teasing her swollen folds. She was soaking wet and it had nothing to do with the shower.

Once again, the question was in his eyes. She nodded, whispering. "Yes, Harm. _Please."_ With that he eased himself into her and as he began to move, she wrapped her legs around him and knew that she was finally complete.

* * *

 _2054 Local_

 _Harm's Apartment_

 _North of Union Station_

"You know, Mac, we'd get more done if you weren't in my lap." They were at his apartment, preparing a defense for their newest client.

"We'd get more done if you didn't keep pulling me back down, Harm." she countered.

"Fine, get off then." He started to push at her, but her arms went around his neck and held fast.

"I don't want to," she giggled.

" _Maaaaac…."_

She laughed harder. "I know, I know, Harm." This time she did get off of him and moved to the other end of the couch. Before long, they had their strategy planned out and could return to more extracurricular activities.

Since the night they'd first made love, they had grown even closer. As they lay together, finally sated, they had discussed his night in the Atlantic Ocean, both crying as he described the horror of watching the SAR team pass over him, how he eventually grew so cold that he no longer even shivered. He had been rescued just in time. He told her how he hated rain now, especially the icy sleet that could still be heard outside her window. He could drive in it, fly in it, but if he felt it on his face, he would feel the sharp sting of panic. She'd never noticed this reaction before, and it made her cry harder, knowing he had suffered in silence right next to her many, many times. He did his best to reassure her that she couldn't have known when he worked so hard to hide it; he didn't just use that famous fighter pilot control in the air. After his confession, they made love, slower this time, falling asleep only to wake up a couple of hours later reaching for each other again.

 _Speaking of…_ "You coming to bed, Ninja Girl?"

"Right behind you, Flyboy." God, how she loved him.

* * *

 _1722 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Mac shut down her computer, pleased that another week had come to an end. With the coming of April, the weather had finally warmed up. Winter coats were packed away to make room for the lighter coats of fall and spring, and it seemed everybody's mood at JAG had perked up immeasurably.

Of course, Mac knew that the warmer weather wasn't the only reason she was so happy. That reason was currently sitting in the office next to hers. She'd never felt this way about anyone, and she knew Harm felt the same. He had been in Pensacola for most of the week and she had missed him terribly. Their reunion the night before made her blush at the thought of it.

Tonight, they had plans to check out a new Italian restaurant in her neighborhood. A few of her neighbors had raved about it, and she was looking forward to it. Mac stood up from her desk and grabbed her coat, buttoning it up and cinching the belt around her before she reached for her cover. She hoped Harm was ready to leave as well.

"Hey, sweet thing."

Apparently, he was indeed ready as he now stood in her doorway, clad in his coat, holding his briefcase with his cover tucked under his arm.

"Hey, yourself," she answered. She raised an eyebrow at him. "You know, Harm, they're going to start asking questions if you keep calling me that here." They had told the admiral shortly after they had become intimate, not that they told him _that_ , and as long as they kept it out of the office, he was fine, indeed even happy, about it. As for the rest of the JAG crew, they decided to keep it under wraps. They didn't have any specific reason for it, but it just felt right.

Harm shrugged. "If they do, they do…by the way, I'm so close to throwing you over my shoulder and taking you home to ravish you." He wiggled his eyebrows at her, and she was glad there weren't very many people left in the bullpen.

"Behave, Harm. We have dinner reservations."

"We could get it to go…you pick it up while I get things ready at your place…"

"Uh, Harm? I think I should be the one to get things ready…somehow I'm sure what you have planned involves nudity and eating cannoli off each other's bodies."

"And what is so wrong with that?" He flashed that flyboy grin of his at her, the one she'd told him years ago wouldn't get him anywhere-a lie even then.

"Nothing," she grinned back. She winked at him. "Next time. But, speaking of which…my landlord changed all the locks…one of my neighbors had her apartment broken into the other day and she was attacked. He decided to err on the side of caution and change everyone's. I made you a new key." She looked around for her keyring, not seeing the horrified look on Harm's face at first. When she did, it surprised her. "What?" she asked, her brow furrowing.

"Someone broke into your building? Do they know who it is? Maybe you should stay at my place for a while."

She waved his concern aside. "Relax, Harm. It was her ex-boyfriend, a domestic situation, and he was only after her. He's in jail now and thankfully, Jeanne is alright. Besides, I'm a marine. I can take care of myself. I told you, the landlord is just being extra cautious. Now, if I ever find my keys, I'll give you the new one." She glanced around the room again, then patted down her pockets. _Ah._ She reached into the right pocket, cursing the deepness of it as she slid her hand down past a piece of paper into its recesses. The keys had, of course, fallen completely to the bottom, but finally, her fingers made contact with them. As she pulled the keys out, the piece of paper also in there came with them, fluttering to the floor.

Harm knelt down to retrieve it in the same instant that Mac realized what the paper was.

"Hey," he said, "why do you have—" He smoothed out the page and Mac felt a stab of horror as he read the words written on his mother's stationary, in his mother's hand.

" _Harm—"_ she pleaded. She watched the color drain from his face as he swallowed a couple of times. His mouth opened and closed. He started to speak, then choked the words off. He swallowed again. His hand shook as he gripped the letter in his hand.

"How…when…you know?"

Obviously, she couldn't lie to him. "Yes."

"Since…"

Tears stung her eyes. "Since the night that the admiral gave us the case at Camp Lejeune. The one that got called off…it was the night I almost fell down your stairs."

Harm nodded and she watched his jaw clench and unclench. She began to ramble.

"I was looking for a pen. The drawer wouldn't close. Something was blocking it…the envelope...I pulled on and it when it came out it spilled all over the floor. I'm sorry, Harm. I didn't mean to…I put everything back, I know I wasn't supposed to see it, but you were coming in the door and then I missed your mom's letter, so I picked it up and put it in my coat pocket. I had forgotten it was there…I haven't worn this coat since then…I'm just so sorry."

"You never said anything…"

"I knew I wasn't meant to see it…I thought it was best if I forgot all about it."

Harm nodded, still standing in place, staring at his mother's note.

The tension in the room grew thick as she watched him slowly lower the letter to his side.

"Harm, please say something." Her heart was pounding furiously.

"Could I…could I take a raincheck for tonight?" The strangled tone of his voice broke her heart.

"Yeah, of—of course, Harm."

He nodded again, shoving the note into his own pocket before turning around. He stopped at the threshold, turning his head back toward her. "Bye," he choked out before striding out of her office and then out of the bullpen.

"Goodbye, Harm," she said to no one.

She pushed her door closed, locked it, and closed the blinds. She shakily walked behind her desk and lowered herself into her chair, burying her face in her hands and trying to decide if she should cry or vomit.

Crying won.

 _End Chapter 9_


	10. Pain

_A/N: Here's Chapter 10! For some reason it was painful to write. Not because the subject matter was so difficult, but I had trouble focusing whilst writing it. I'm thinking this story has 1 or 2 more chapters in it…but past experience dictates that I not make any concrete predictions about the length of this thing._

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 10: Pain**

 _1759 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

It was an utterly dejected Mac that slipped her key into the newly changed lock of her door. She marveled at the difference between now and this morning—this morning, she'd happily donned her uniform, laid out her dress for her upcoming dinner with Harm, put on her coat, and was actually humming to herself as she locked up and went down to her car. The sun was up, and it had been tempting to leave the top down on her 'vette, despite it not being nearly warm enough for that.

Now, shoulders slumped, she stepped into her apartment, dropped her briefcase at her feet, and slipped her coat off. She stared down at the offending garment in her hands, wanting to rip it in two, but instead she carefully hung it up in her closet. Her hands were shaking, and, as it had a thousand times since she'd left JAG, the memory of that damning slip of paper fluttering to the floor filled her mind. She leaned her back against the closet door, closing her eyes against the new tears that insisted on falling.

It had taken her a good twenty minutes to get herself back under control at JAG and all her energy to maintain it as she drove home. Now that control was slipping once again, and instead of being out at romantic dinner with the best friend she loved more than life, she would be here, grieving the loss of him. Fighting the urge to drop to the floor then and there and curl up into a ball, she headed toward her bedroom, figuring she should at least change out of her uniform before she fell apart again.

The flashing red light on her answering machine caught her attention before she made it halfway across the room. She changed directions and walked to her desk, hesitating as her hand hovered over the machine. Would it be Harm? She had a feeling it was. But would his message break her further? Unfortunately, there was only one way to find out. She forced her finger to push the message button. Sure enough, it was him.

 _Um, Mac. It's me. Harm. I'm sorry about to—I-I'm just sorry. I won't be able to make our run tomorrow. I'll—I'll call you…sometime…I'm sorry…"_

Three little beeps from her machine signaled the end of his message, and Mac's finger once again reached out, this time to delete it. Harm sounded shattered, and she didn't want to ever accidently hear that again.

Suddenly it seemed to be too much effort to make it to her bedroom. Instead, she sat down in the corner of her couch, sitting there in the dark until the minutes turned into hours.

* * *

 _0315 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac awoke with a start, for a moment wondering where she was, why her body ached so, and what time it was. As awareness returned to her, the memories of the day before assailed her and she cursed whatever god had forced her out of slumber. Seconds later she realized it was no divine being that had awakened her, it was her telephone. She was unable to move fast enough to catch it before the answering machine picked up, but it was just as well. It was Harm again and she wasn't in any condition to speak to him. Her head was pounding, and she massaged her temples as his voice filled the room.

" _Mac…it's me. Harm. I hope I'm not waking you…the admiral called…Bud and I have to head out to the_ Seahawk _…probably till the end of next week. I just wanted to let you know…don't worry about my mail…Sturgis will take care of it and I…I still don't have any plants."_ There was an awkward chuckle." _We'll talk when I get back, I prom—um, we'll just…we'll talk, Mac. I'd better get going. I lo—I'll see you. Bye."_

Mac hauled herself off the couch, stepped over to the answering machine, and deleted Harm's message once again. So, he no longer wanted her dealing with his mail, was _maybe_ going to talk to her when he got back, and he couldn't even say he loved her anymore. _Well, so much for that._ Her headache was rapidly turning into a full-blown migraine. She'd been sitting in one position for the last eight hours, and she was certainly paying for it.

Stumbling down the hall to her bedroom, she realized she probably wasn't thinking too clearly. The shock of Harm realizing she knew about the ring, the current vise around her head, and her lack of good sleep were not helping her. Harm had never actually said it was over between them…though Mac mused that he probably only planned on talking with her to get his apartment key back.

 _Stop thinking like that. It's not like you actually did anything wrong or on purpose. Well, besides not finding a way to get that note back into Harm's desk…forgetting it was in that pocket._

 _But the look on Harm's face…the way his voice sounded on her machine…_

The migraine had progressed to the point of nausea; by now there was really nothing she could do but swallow her meds and sleep it off. She threw off her uniform and didn't bother to hang it up; she was too sick and dizzy with pain to do anything else but fall on the bed in her bra and panties and pray for sleep.

* * *

 _1238 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Mac had been staring at her computer for the last ten minutes, her hand on the mouse, the cursor hovering over the send button. It had already taken her forty minutes to compose an email to Harm, and it appeared it was going to take at least that long to get the courage to send it.

Which was silly.

It was only two lines.

It didn't mention the ring, their relationship, the demise of said relationship…

 _Now wait a minute…you don't know that it's over…he said you would talk…_

 _To tell you it's over…_

Mac buried her face in her hands. She needed to stop thinking like that. Again, she reminded herself that she hadn't done anything on purpose; she'd only found the ring by accident. Maybe if she had confessed to finding the ring right away…no, she would never have done that. She _wasn't_ meant to see it, and no matter what, it would most certainly have been better if Harm had never known that she had.

Frustrated with herself and growing angry as well, she clicked send before she could talk herself out of it. She leaned back in her chair, releasing a long, slow breath. And now she would have to sit here and wait for a response…

That would likely never come…

She leaned her elbow on the desk and pressed her forehead to the heel of her hand. Again, she admonished herself that she had to give Harm the benefit of the doubt, needed to talk this out with him…

The truth was, though, that she had a hard time believing that this would turn out in her favor. She had been let down so many times, by her parents, her husband, Dalton, Mic. Why would now be any different?

 _Because Harm is different._ She just had to keep telling herself that.

She sat there another two minutes and thirty-two seconds, until she saw the mail icon on her toolbar light up. _Could it be Harm?_ With a slight tremor in her hand, she clicked on it.

It wasn't Harm. It was just a message from PO Coates regarding a meeting tomorrow with the admiral. _Dammit._

Her message to Harm had been fairly simple, non-threatening:

 _Harm,_

 _I hear you arrived safely on the_ Seahawk _. Good luck with the investigation, and I'm glad Bud is there to keep you in line._

 _-M_

Could there be a more innocuous message than that?

She supposed so…but that would have been a message to a man whose affections hadn't been spurned by a woman who had no idea she had done so.

 _Ugh._ She needed to get back to work.

And she did get back to work…but she couldn't help being distracted by the email icon on her computer…the one that didn't light up for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

 _1614 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

It was now Thursday, and she assumed Harm and Bud would be back soon. She still hadn't heard from Harm. He'd never returned her email and she knew he had to have had time to do so; Harriet told her daily about her messages from Bud. Harm was just ignoring her and as the days went on, she grew more and more anxious.

It made her surly. She was short with the staff, easily irritated by her clients, and even had to bite her tongue when talking to the admiral. He hadn't said anything to her, but by the looks he was giving her, Mac suspected he was aware that all was not right with Colonel MacKenzie.

Every night after work, Mac would go home and check her answering machine, and, once she found that Harm had not called (by this point Bud had called Harriet twice), she would go into her room, strip off her uniform, and climb on the bed. The tears would fall then, silently, and she would sit there until it finally grew dark. Eventually she would get up, throw on her bathrobe, and head out to the kitchen to grab a bowl of cereal, anything that was quick and easy so she could at least say she had eaten something. Then she would go back to her room, strip off the robe and lie down on the bed again, sometimes taking hours to fall asleep. In the morning she would get up and do it all over again.

Mac had sent another email to Harm yesterday. She didn't know why she kept torturing herself; with every newsy email Bud sent to Harriet, she knew there was less and less a chance that Harm would respond. Her email this time was a lot shorter than the last one:

 _Harm,_

 _Please call me when you get back._

She didn't bother to sign it; he'd know who it was from.

As she went yet another day without a reply, she wondered if he was just deleting her emails as soon as they came through.

He probably was.

She couldn't blame him.

But she did blame him.

 _You didn't do anything wrong!_ She told herself over and over.

Another day ended, and Mac once again went home to a lonely apartment to start her nighty ritual all over again.

* * *

 _0743 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

Mac dropped her coat and cover off in her office and made her way to the lounge to grab a cup of coffee before the Monday morning staff call. She'd had an exhausting weekend, which was funny since she hadn't done anything but sit on the couch and watch TV…really bad TV. Infomercial-bad TV. To be fair, she'd also worked on a case, but it was an easy one and really didn't need that much preparation. She stifled a yawn as she stepped into the lounge.

"Tired, Ma'am?" Mac looked up to see Harriet making more coffee.

"Yeah, a bit. You must be too, being alone with two little ones." Mac smiled at the thought of her two godsons.

"Ma'am?" Harriet looked mildly confused.

"Well, I'm sure you have it all well in hand…If it were me taking care of two busy little boys by myself, I'm sure I would have pulled out all my hair by now. Still, though, I'm sure it'll be nice when Bud finally comes home."

"Ma'am?" Harriet asked again, appearing even more perplexed.

"Yeah, Harriet?"

"Um, Bud's been home since Friday afternoon."

Mac's eyes widened at that. "Oh…I guess Harm must have had to stay behind." Harm and Mac had finally told the Roberts' about their relationship.

A different expression flitted across the blond lieutenant's face. _Was that…pity?_ "Um, Ma'am? The commander dropped Bud off…"

An involuntary gasp exited her, and all Mac could do was stare at the now sympathetic countenance of Lt Sims.

"Ma'am…" Harriet reached a hand out to her, but Mac took a step back.

"Oh, right…I'm sorry, Harriet…I don't know where my mind goes sometimes. Well, I'll see you in the staff meeting." With that she turned on her heal and left the lounge, not bothering with the newly-brewed coffee she'd originally come in for.

* * *

 _0755 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

 _Harm was back? Since Friday? Why hadn't he…why didn't he call?_ Both Mac's heart and mind were racing. If anything had convinced her that they were over, this had. She was devastated, but she was also angry. Clearly, she hadn't meant as much to him as she thought. She'd never wanted to find that ring, she'd never meant for him to find out that she had, and surely he could understand that. Honestly, what great sin had she committed? That Harm would give up like this…hell, the whole ring debacle probably just gave him the excuse he was looking for to extricate himself from her.

The little voice inside continued to admonish her to give Harm a chance to explain himself before jumping to conclusions; he was probably just embarrassed. She ruthlessly snuffed that voice out.

Reluctantly she made her way toward the conference room for the staff meeting. She was not ready to face Harm, but he would be there and at least she would get it over with. Gathering every last drop of marine strength in her, she pushed open the door and walked in, head held high.

* * *

 _1732 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Harm was gone. He wasn't at the staff meeting and Mac learned from the admiral that Harm had requested and been granted a week's leave. She thought about calling him, but if he didn't want to talk to her… She did go out of her way after work to drive by his place and found that his Lexus wasn't there and the lights in the loft were off. Briefly, she considered going up there anyway, but if he didn't want to see her…and was likely gone anyway…

She cursed to herself and drove home.

To cover her pain over everything, Mac grew angrier.

* * *

 _1312 Local_

 _JAG Headquarters_

 _Falls Church, VA_

"Go home, Colonel."

"Admiral, with all due respect—"

"Colonel…Mac, it isn't that Lt. Dornier didn't deserve the dressing down you gave him…but yelling at him…nearly making him cry…that really isn't like you…"

"How would you suggest I should've handled it?" Mac realized her tone was just on this side of disrespectful. "um, Sir," she added. She fully expected Admiral Chegwidden to give her the same dressing down she gave the hapless John Dornier. She stared straight ahead, avoiding his gaze until she realized the awaited dressing down wasn't going to happen. She met his eyes. She was shocked when she could only see concern in his eyes. "Sir?"

The admiral sighed and moved around behind his desk. He sat down and motioned for her to do the same. "This is about Rabb, isn't it?'

Mac swallowed. "Sir, I would prefer not to…"

The admiral went on as if he didn't hear her. "You were surprised by his request for leave."

She glared at the admiral for a few beats, then dropped her gaze and nodded. "I was, sir." She heard him sigh and say something under his breath that sounded like 'damn him.' They sat in awkward silence for two minutes two seconds before the admiral spoke again.

"Colonel, I'm sor—"

"Admiral, really…I'm not comfortable discussing my personal life here."

The admiral sighed again. "Of course, Colonel. I do apologize…but I still think you should secure early today."

"Sir, I'll apologize to Lt. Dornier…as soon as we're done here. I don't need to secure early. _That would just be more time to sit around and think…_

She was surprised by Admiral Chegwidden's short bark of laughter. "Mac, he _was_ an idiot. He probably deserved even more of a thrashing. It's just…well, it just wasn't like you…and…I'm worried about you."

Mac's head shot up. _What?_ The shock in her eyes was met by the steady, concerned, _fatherly_ gaze of Admiral AJ Chegwidden.

* * *

 _1919 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

The week had been rather surreal. To find out from Harriet that Harm had returned to Washington without even a phone call to her, her embarrassment as the younger woman looked on with pity…the admiral's concern…it was all a bit much. She did leave early on this Friday; the admiral had all but made it an order.

Unfortunately, it was going to take more than just an afternoon off to fix what was wrong with Mac. She had tried Harm's cellphone a couple of times during the past week. He never picked up, and he certainly never returned her calls. Mac alternated between tears and grief and fury. At the very least he could grow a pair and let her go. Being in limbo like this…no word from him in two weeks, no answers to her messages and calls…it had shaken her. She'd cried nightly, she'd raged nightly…there was a tight band around her heart that put her on edge, making her unable to sleep peacefully, and, despite the continued quality of her work…it made it nearly impossible to really focus on anything. She was exhausted but every nerve in her body was tense and it was only getting worse.

Mac left a half-eaten cheese sandwich on her kitchen counter and decided she should take a long, hot bath before bed. Correction: a long, hot bath before she would lay in the dark, wishing desperately for sleep so she could forget the look on Harm's face as read his mother's note, the note she had no right to have seen.

* * *

 _1033 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac trudged up the stairs, carrying a basket of laundry. It was another great day. The washer on her floor was out of order, necessitating going to the one downstairs, and to top it off, the landlord was doing some maintenance on the elevator. Of course, she was glad he was maintaining things here, but perhaps he could have done it during the week instead of on a Saturday.

Mac set her basket down at her door and dug in her pockets for her keys. She was about to panic when she remembered that she had left the door unlocked to avoid the very activity she was engaging in, and with an irritated huff, she turned the knob and lifted the basket again. She used it to push the door all the way open.

"You really should lock your door when you go out."

Mac yelped and dropped her laundry at her feet. _What the hell?_

Startled brown eyes met unreadable grey-green ones.

"Harm?"

 _End Chapter 10_


	11. Return

_A/N: So here is Chapter 11! It was written whilst trying to keep the 6-year-old from killing the 3 year and vice versa. The 3 yo (who is of average size) and the 6 yo are about the same size—the 3 yo being shorter thus stockier. It makes for some epic battles. The 6-year-old is meaner, but the 3-year-old is a little battering ram. There was one time when she climbed up on a chair, looking like she was climbing the ropes in a wrestling ring. She then leapt off, belly-flopping on the 6 yo. It was like watching the WWF._

 _The above story has nothing to do with this chapter, I just didn't have anything say about this chapter. :)_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 11: Return**

 _1034 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

"Surprise…"

Mac gaped at Harm. He was standing in the middle of her living room, clad in jeans and his bomber jacket over a white t-shirt, looking so casual, so calm. His expression remained unreadable as he stared back at her. She swallowed hard, and as the two of them held each other's gaze, Mac felt the stirrings of anger. _He could at least say something intelligent._ In addition to her anger, she could feel the despair welling up inside her as well. She cleared her throat.

"I've never liked surprises," she said coolly, her tone belying the turmoil within.

Harm winced and finally looked away, his shoulders slumping almost imperceptibly. "I know…Mac, I'm sor—"

" _Why?"_ she interrupted, her eyes filling with tears. They fell unbidden, sliding down her cheeks, one after the other.

Harm stepped forward, crossing the room in three long strides. He moved her laundry basket aside with his foot, hand reaching out toward her.

" _Don't."_ She turned her face away from him, angrily swiping at the tears still coursing down her cheeks. She stepped back and wrapped her arms around herself while his arm fell limply to his side.

"Mac…"

"I haven't heard a word from you in two weeks, Harm."

He looked down at his feet. "I know."

"I didn't go looking for it, you know."

"Yeah, I know that too."

"I didn't do anything on purpose. I didn't mean to keep your letter. I didn't mean to find it at all, Harm!"

"Mac…"

"You never let me explain…you just left…you got mad and you left me!" She turned her back on him, trying desperately to regain some control.

"Mac, I…I didn't have a choice…the _Seahawk…"_

"Has email. Phones, even." She whipped back around to face him. "I had to find out from Harriet that you and Bud were back…had been for three days…and you never once called me. Not _once!_ I felt like such an idiot, standing there in the break room, Harriet pitying me. I'm sorry, Harm. I never wanted to find that ring. _Never!"_

Harm got a strange look on his face and Mac watched the color drain from it. _Oh, god…that word…_

Suddenly Harm's expression turned to one of ire. "Never, huh? There you go again. Always with the nevers! Well, I _never_ wanted you to find it either!"

Harm couldn't have done a better job of ripping her heart out if he tried. Sure, she had just said the same thing to him, but that was different.

 _Wasn't it?_

 _Yes,_ she stubbornly maintained, because she knew she wasn't meant to see it before Harm actually gave it to her, and Harm…well, he didn't want her to see it because he never intended to give it to her. Not anymore, anyway.

She felt sick.

She needed to get away from him while her dignity was still somewhat intact.

They still stood in her living room facing each other. Harm was glaring at her, and then the ship carrying the last shred of her dignity sailed right out the window as she burst into heart-wrenching sobs. She covered her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking. After what seemed like hours, she sensed Harm's big body next to hers. She felt him put a tentative hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off.

" _Mac…._ Sarah, I…I—"

"Please don't," she begged. "Just go."

"Mac…I wasn't mad…I was embarrassed…"

She took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to hold back further sobs. She glanced at him briefly but had to look away. "Okay," was all she said as she brushed past him. She turned slightly toward him when she reached the hall to her bedroom. "Harm, just…just lock up when you leave."

She left him standing in her living room, while she went into her bedroom, closing and locking the door behind her.

She threw herself on the bed, finally giving up any semblance of control as she cried herself to sleep.

* * *

 _1309 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac woke with a start which seemed to be the norm for her these days, and a quick check of her internal clock revealed she had been asleep for the last two hours and seventeen minutes. She had the vague sense that something bad had happened, and when she sat up and caught her reflection in the mirror, it all came crashing down on her.

Harm had been here. They'd had a fight. She'd cried herself to sleep. The mirror was not kind as she took in her red, puffy eyes and the downward set of her mouth. Her nose was red too, slightly stuffed up, and her head pounded.

She climbed off of her bed and headed to the bathroom to look for some ibuprofen. She dug through her medicine cabinet, cursing as she realized she'd left the bottle in the kitchen last night. However, it was probably for the best; if she had found the ibuprofen in the bathroom, she would have just popped a few and gone back to sleep. This way she could get something to eat with the meds. The ibuprofen she'd been taking more of lately was starting to tear up her gut.

She stepped into the hall, squinting at the brightness of the light above her head, and made her way to the kitchen. It struck her that she should probably make sure Harm had indeed locked up, so she bypassed the kitchen in favor of the living room.

She was relieved to see the deadbolt was engaged, as was the chain.

 _Wait a minute…the chain…_

Mac whipped around to find Harm sitting on the couch, watching her.

"You're still here," she said, stating the obvious.

"Yeah." She noticed his eyes were red-rimmed and his posture was one of defeat.

"Why?"

"I don't have a key anymore, remember? I couldn't lock up." He looked down at his feet. "And I couldn't just leave again."

Mac swallowed hard. "Well, now you can."

"No, I can't, Mac. I won't, not this time."

Those damnable tears stung her eyes again. "Harm, you really don't have to stay…I'll be fine. You can move on…I'm sorry this didn't work out."

Harm stood up but didn't move any closer. "No, Mac, you don't understand…I don't want to leave."

A single tear tracked down her cheek. "You did before."

"No, I didn't…I mean, I didn't _want_ to."

Mac gave a bitter chuckle. "Harm, no one has ever made you do something you didn't want to do."

" _Maaac…"_

"Why, Harm? I really didn't mean to find it…I just wanted a pen," she whispered. Mac wrapped her arms around herself and bit her lip to keep it from trembling. A few more tears escaped, and she turned around, not wanting Harm to see.

Harm had been slowly inching toward her, but it was still a surprise to her when she felt his hands grip her shoulders. She felt him kiss her hair. "I know, baby." She stiffened at his touch as he stepped around in front of her. She refused to look at him and it pissed her off that she couldn't stop the flow of her tears. She was a marine for god's sake.

"Mac, honey…it was all such a shock…I reacted badly."

She shrugged. _No shit._ "That's fine, Harm. I forgive you; you can go now," she said with the barest hint of sarcasm. His grip on her shoulders only tightened.

" _Dammit,_ Mac. I'm not going!" His hands slipped from her shoulders to cup her cheeks and his long fingers entwined themselves in her hair. "I love you!"

She looked deep into his eyes. He seemed sincere, but… "Two weeks, Harm. It—it broke my heart. I don't know if I can…" Tears spilled over again and he brushed them aside with his thumbs. She fought the desire to lean further into his touch, but though her heart wasn't sure, her body still sought out the heat of him.

"Mac…Sarah…I'm sorry…I panicked…I was embarrassed…I know those aren't excuses. Please, please give me another chance…I promise I'll never leave again…and I never make a promise I don't intend to keep, you know that—"

"Harm, you couldn't even promise to talk to me when you got back from the _Seahawk!_ How am I supposed to believe you won't do this again? And this time…you left because of a stupid accident…what happens if I actually mess up? What're you going to do then?" Her hands came up to grip his wrists. "I can't do this again, Harm. It hurts." She looked down for a moment. "But maybe…maybe you were so upset about me finding the ring because…because you never _really_ wanted to give it to me in the first place." She felt like she'd just had an epiphany.

Harm's mouth fell open. "Mac…"

She pulled away from him and paced about the room, "Think about it, Harm. Twice you planned on giving it to me, and twice that never happened. You brought the ring out to the _Guadalcanal_ and yet you couldn't even tell me you'd give up your girlfriend for me! And then…then Paraguay happened…you were so…I was so…well, we were mean to each other. You hated me there. How could you be serious about actually wanting to marry me?" She stopped in the center of the room and faced him again.

Harm just stared at her for long seconds. "You've got it all wrong, Mac."

"Do I? Harm…come on…I never had any inkling whatsoever that you felt that way…because really, you never did."

Harm clenched and unclenched his jaw. "Mac…no…"

"Harm, maybe you thought you did…sometimes…but when it came time to, to…you couldn't bring yourself to actually do it. If you really wanted me, nothing would have stopped you…nothing stopped you from finding out about your father, from going back to flying…you would have given up your career to go after your brother, you disobeyed orders to stay with Bud…but given the opportunity to…with me…something always stopped you. Because you didn't actually want me. I'm sorry…I know I pushed things…I'm sure I made things more uncomfortable for you. I—I'm sorry…I know I wasn't enough for you to stay…" Her tears were flowing in earnest again. "I never was…" she whispered to herself. "Harm, go…it's okay. I'm sorry about the ring…I'm sure you can get it fixed…the engraving…for someone…else."

She stood in place for a moment, but then decided she just couldn't bear to watch him leave. "Harm…I'm just going to…I can't…" She turned to head once again to her bedroom, resigned to another day of tears followed by a night of crying herself to sleep. "Goodbye, Harm." Just uttering those words caused her chest to hurt, the result of a shattered heart.

She needed to get away from him

She needed him to leave.

" _Harm, pl—"_

"Don't tell me how I feel." Harm's voice stopped her in her tracks.

"What?" Harm's back was toward her, but it sounded like he might be—

"I said, _don't_ tell me how I feel!" He turned around then, and Mac gasped at what she saw.

Tears were tracking down his face, mirroring hers. She'd seen him cry twice, once when they learned the fate of his father and then again when they learned Bud had pulled through. This was different. He looked… _broken._ She'd seen some of that when he looked across the Taiga where his father rested; his grief was obvious. But now…

"Harm?" she choked out.

"Mac…I know I fucked up…I know it…but you don't know how I feel, so don't stand there and tell me that you do. You obviously have no idea!" He stalked over to her, viciously swiping a hand across his face to clear it of tears. His body loomed over hers as he glared down at her, eyes still wet. Another tear fell and she could barely resist the urge to brush it away for him. Instead, she just stared at him, wide-eyed, waiting for him to speak again.

He didn't.

It infuriated her.

Mac stepped away and pushed past him. "Harm, if you're not going to tell me what you feel, how am I supposed to know? Every time you we get to a point where I think I've finally figured you out, where it seems you feel the same way I do…my heart gets trampled on! Sydney Harbor…you push me away, but then you fight over me with Mic. He was thousands of miles away, but you never made a move. The ring was on my right hand for ten months and you never said anything! Instead, you wait until my engagement party and all but tell me you love me and then you kiss me…and just let me go! Why? Was it because I kissed you back and you realized you weren't _really_ interested in me? You chased me out to the _Guadalcanal_ wanting to talk about 'us' but you couldn't even tell me you'd give up Renee for me! You—"

"I did say I'd give up Renee for you."

"What?"

"I did tell you I'd give up Renee…you just didn't stick around for my answer."

Mac blinked at him for a few seconds. "Then why—why didn't you come after me? Why, Harm?" You brought a ring with you and again, you just let me go! And then you go and get that ring engraved with my name on it, give up everything to rescue me, and you can only say 'I think you know why' when I ask you why. How the hell am I supposed to trust anything you do or say when it always seems to end like this? You want me to trust your actions, finally give me the words, then do the exact opposite! You always tell me actions speak louder than words, so really, Harm, what am I supposed to believe?"

The two stared each other down, both in tears, until Harm opened his mouth. "Me." He cleared his throat. "Believe me."

"That's not good enough, Harm."

"But it's all I have."

"Then I guess we're done."

Harm looked stricken. His face, already haggard and pale, became waxen. Mac wanted to look away, but she couldn't.

Because she still hoped he would say something to convince her it was safe to love him again.

Well, not love him _again,_ she still loved him. More than life. She didn't want this to be over. She watched Harm's face completely crumble before he covered his face with his hands and sobbed into them. Mac watched in horror as he sank to the ground and curled around himself, no longer the US Navy's cocky aviator-cum-lawyer.

Without really thinking about it, Mac rushed over and dropped down beside him, pulling his hands from his face and replacing them with hers. "But I don't want to be done," she whispered, before pulling him into her arms and letting him sob into her shoulder while she did the same.

* * *

 _1401 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Eventually their sobs quieted, and Mac became aware of Harm whispering into her hair. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm sorry I left. I won't leave you ever again. I promise, Mac. I love you."

She leaned away from him to look into his eyes. She took his face in her hands again and leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips. "I love you too, Harm." She rested her forehead against his for a moment before they stood as one and made their way to the couch. He sat down and pulled her down onto his lap, then his arms went around her, and she laid her head on his chest. His heart thumped against her ear, and she listened to it slow as they both calmed. It would be so easy just to fall asleep against the broadness of him; her tears had exhausted her, and she'd had very little reserves to start with. However, she still had more she needed to say to him. "Harm?"

"Yeah, sweetheart?"

"Harm, I'm—I'm still upset that you—you left me like that…"

"I know, honey."

"I'm sorry, Harm."

"No, Mac. It's okay. I understand."

"And…and…it's going to be hard…for a while…to trust…" The tears started to flow again. "I'm sorry."

He pulled her more tightly against him. "No, baby…I'm the one who's sorry. It's okay. I know…it'll be hard to…to trust me…" He swallowed hard. "I understand…just know that I will be doing everything I can to make sure you never feel that way again, okay?"

"Okay, Harm."

"I love you, Sarah."

"I love you too, Harm."

* * *

 _1204 Local (the next day)_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac buzzed Harm up. He was picking her up for lunch and she couldn't help feeling a little nervous. Yesterday they had dozed a bit on the couch, both worn out from the intense emotions they'd just experienced together. When they woke up, they talked some more, cried some more, then ordered in an early dinner. After they'd eaten, they cuddled on the couch together for the next hour until Harm told her he'd better go home and unpack and let her rest. She'd been yawning profusely and couldn't deny that she was exhausted. Part of her wanted to ask him to stay, but it was probably a little too soon for that. She thought back to their goodbye at her door…

* * *

 _The night before_

 _Mac handed Harm his jacket which he slipped on before taking her hand in his. They walked together to the door, standing in front of it awkwardly before both starting to speak at once. They chuckled and Harm, ever the gentlemen, told her to go first._

" _Harm? Where were you this past week? Where did you go?" She couldn't believe she hadn't asked him that yet, but she guessed they'd had to cover a few more important topics earlier. Harm looked a little sheepish._

" _Um, I went up to Pennsylvania. To see my grandmother."_

 _Mac was a little surprised. "Really?"_

 _Harm avoided looking at her directly. "I needed…someone to talk to…someone wiser than me. I, uh, was a mess, Mac."_

" _Oh…so it helped?"_

 _He smiled softly. "Yeah, it did. She told me straight out to get my head out of my a-, um, six and go apologize to you. I convinced her to let me stay until the end of the week, though. She had a lot of chores that needed to be done and I needed the hard work."_

" _I see." She looked down at her feet until she felt Harm's fingers lift her chin._

" _Mac, I'm sorry I didn't call…it was stupid, but I didn't know what to say to you…and I was sure I was going to mess things up further. Talking to my grandmother helped sort things out…so going there was the right thing to do…but I know I should have told you. I only made things worse by being such an idiot."_

" _It's okay, Harm. We'll get past this and I'm glad your grandmother was there for you. I—I'd like to meet her someday."_

 _Harm's face lit up. "Oh, she's going to love you and I know you'll love her. After you, she's the most special person in my life. She's helped me through so much…losing my dad, mom remarrying, my ramp strike…I don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for her. As soon as I get home, I'm going to call her and tell her I finally got my head out of my ass."_

" _Don't you mean six, Harm?" She gave him a mischievous grin._

 _He chuckled, really chuckled, and the sound was a delight to her ears. "No, she actually said ass…shocked me too."_

 _They both laughed, firmed up plans for the next day, and he kissed her goodbye before he headed down the hall._

* * *

Mac opened her door while Harm was poised to knock. They grinned at each other, but Mac immediately picked up on his nervousness. Or maybe she was just projecting her own onto him. No, by the way he stood by her door, an uncomfortable set to his shoulders, something was up. Mac felt a sinking feeling in her gut.

"Um, Mac? Let's talk for a minute." He held out his hand to her, but she was frozen in place.

" _No…"_ she choked out, tears already filling her eyes.

"Mac? What—oh, honey, no, no, it's nothing bad." He stepped over to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I promise," he continued before kissing the crown of her head. Mac still balked, and Harm looked ready to cry himself. He pulled her into a tight embrace and whispered into her hair. "Sarah, I promise…I'm not going anywhere. I just wanted to talk to you about something before we go out. Something good, or at least I hope it's something good. Okay? Come sit with me?"

She eventually nodded against his chest and he released her and took her hand again. He led her over to her couch, sitting her down and brushing away the few tears that had escaped. He sat down on the table in front of her. "I'm sorry, Harm…it's just…"

Harm looked sad as he offered up a half-smile. "I know, Mac. I know it'll take a while before you…trust me again." Mac looked down at her toes, still feeling guilty, until Harm leaned forward an placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "It's _okay,_ Mac." She finally nodded.

"Alright, Harm. What's up?"

"Mac…Sarah…I'm not…I mean, there's no pressure, I just wanted to…well, here." Mac watched as Harm reached into the pocket of his jacket. His hand searched around before it found the object he was seeking, and then he was holding it out to her.

It took a few seconds for Mac to register what he held in his hand, but when she did, her jaw dropped and she couldn't stop the gasp that escaped her mouth. Shocked chocolate brown eyes met earnest grey-green ones.

Resting in the palm of his hand was a little box. The kind that held a ring.

 _Her ring._

 _End Chapter 11_


	12. Eternity

_A/N: Here it is! The last chapter. I had fun with this one! Thanks for all the reviews!_

 _PS: I borrowed a line from the movie Bridget Jones's Diary…regarding a documentary on lions that Bridget watched whilst depressed and alone. I always found it funny…_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Chapter 12: Eternity**

 _1207 Local_

 _Mac's Apartment_

 _Georgetown_

Mac stared at the box in Harm's outstretched palm. Her heartbeat sped up and her eyes shifted to his. "Um, Harm…I'm not…ah, ready…" She looked away, not wanting to see his reaction, his disappointment. He surprised her, though.

"No, Mac…I'm not asking…yet." He grabbed her hand and set the ring in her palm, folding her fingers over the box and then clasping her hand in both of his. "But here's the thing…this is _your_ ring. No one else's. Even if you decide you never want to marry me, it's your ring. I would never give it to anyone else…honestly, if someday you decide you don't want 'us,' there will never be anyone else anyway.

"Mac, my intention has always been to marry you…have babies with you…grow old with you…ever since we stood on the steps of JAG and agreed to go halves on a baby. I don't know about you, but I generally don't make plans to bring a baby into this world with someone I don't intend to commit to. The problem at the time was that I was returning to flying…I couldn't consciously admit it then that I wanted you; I was leaving and my mind couldn't focus on anything else…I know, I know, that doesn't make any sense and it just drives home the fact that I'm a moron when it comes to you. Hell, a lot of what happened this past year happened because I went back to flying. If I hadn't, you wouldn't have…Brumby…ah, then Paraguay…you wouldn't, I wouldn't have…but that's all in the past. God, I'm not making much sense, am I?

"Anyway…I'm giving this to you for safe keeping…not to pressure you, or to have you wear it on your right hand…I just want you to keep it so you know that I'm serious about us, that I'll never leave by my own choice, that I want to marry you, have that baby… _babies,_ with you. Mac, Sarah, clearly the times that _I_ planned to ask you to marry me didn't work out…mostly because I _am_ a moron…don't look at me like that, you know it's true…so, when, _if,_ you're ready, you say the word…and I'll ask you, properly. If that time never comes…I'm still going to be here…alright, Sarah? _Sarah?"_

Throughout Harm's speech, Mac had sat silently, holding back tears. Now they finally spilled over. She was just about to answer him when he suddenly stood. Confused, she watched him pace about the room, words tumbling from his mouth in a nervous cadence.

"Oh, god, Mac, I'm sorry. It's way too soon for something like this. Holy shit, I _am_ as bad as Bugme, uh, Brumby. Um, you don't have to take it. I'm sorry…let's just forget I ever said anything and just go to lunch. God, you probably don't even want to do that anymore. I'll just go, okay, god, I _am_ a moron…"

Rolling her eyes and brushing her tears aside, Mac set the ring down on her coffee table and stood up. Harm was still pacing around, mumbling to himself. She stepped in front of him, calling his name, but in typical Harm fashion, he continued his self-flagellation. Finally, she took his face in her hands and kissed him soundly. She drew back, stifling a giggle at the slack-jawed, stunned look on his face.

"Harm, I would be happy to hold onto your, _my,_ ring. Thank you. And that's where I see this heading, even if we're not quite ready to make it 'official' yet, okay, Harm? _Harm?_ Focus here."

Finally, Harm snapped out of his stupor. A slow grin spread across his face and she smiled back before he claimed her lips for a soft, loving kiss. "Really, Mac?"

She rested her palm against his cheek, stroking it with her thumb. "Really, Harm." To her chagrin, she felt a fresh rush tears, but as before, they were happy tears. She laughed gently when she realized Harm was having a similar issue. She kissed him lightly again before stepping back, taking a moment to brush one of his tears aside while he did the same for her. They simply stared at each other for long seconds until the grumbling of Mac's stomach broke the moment. Chuckling, she went back to the coffee table and picked up the little box containing her ring.

"Harm, let me just put this somewhere safe and then let's eat. I'm _starving."_

Harm smiled that special smile she'd seen for years but now realized was just for her. "What else is new, Marine?"

"Nothing." She came back over to him and put her arms around his neck. "And everything," she said, as she pulled him in for a kiss.

* * *

 _1049 Local_

 _Tyson's Corner Center_

 _McLean VA_

"So, has he asked you yet?"

Mac looked up from the rack of dresses she was sifting through. "Asked me what?"

"To marry him!" Harriet looked exasperated. She often did when it came to her two friends and superior officers. Mac knew this, knew Harriet was chomping at the bit for them to take the next step, and she couldn't resist messing with her just a little.

"Him?" she asked innocently.

"Commander Rabb!"

Mac giggled. "Harriet, considering you just helped me pick out lingerie to ah, _entice_ , him, I think you can call him Harm. And no, not yet."

"Ma'am, you two are going to be the death of me," Harriet huffed.

Mac raised an eyebrow at her friend. "Harriet, considering you just helped me pick out lingerie to entice Harm, I think you can call me Mac. So, what do you think of this one?" She held out a silky midnight-blue dress.

"Gorgeous, Ma-Mac." Harriet grinned sheepishly. Mac smiled back and the two women headed off to the dressing room.

* * *

 _1204 Local_

 _Capital Grille_

 _Tysons Corner Center_

 _McLean, VA_

After purchasing dresses for the upcoming Surface Warfare Ball, Mac and Harriet decided to treat themselves to lunch at the Capital Grille. As soon as they were shown to their table and their drink orders taken, Harriet resumed questioning Mac.

"So…when _is_ he going to ask you?"

Mac rolled her eyes good-naturedly. She'd never thought she'd be comfortable getting the third degree about her love life, but she and Harriet had grown closer since she'd asked her and Bud to look after Harm. Harriet was a great sounding board and though Mac didn't tell her _everything_ about her relationship with Harm, but she was certainly more open about it than she'd ever thought she would be.

"When the time is right, Harriet."

"And that will be?"

Mac just smiled and shrugged at her friend and took a sip of the soda the waiter had just set in front of her.

" _Arrrgh,_ Mac!"

At that Mac burst out laughing. "Harriet…weren't you the one who suggested Harm and I had a few things to work out before we sealed the deal?"

"Well, that's because you were fighting…again."

"And you were right! We have a lot of history, not all of it good, and we're working through it."

Harriet studied Mac for a few seconds. "And?"

"And what?"

"How's it going?"

Mac looked down at the table and blushed. "It's good. _Really_ good."

Harriet gave her a knowing smile. "Hence the new lingerie."

Blushing even more furiously, Mac nodded, but felt the need to clarify. "Well, we've, um, already…but we have a room at the Willard for after the ball…"

"I see…soooo, do you think he'll ask you at the ball?"

Mac rolled her eyes in mock exasperation. "It'll happen when it happens."

"But it's going to happen, right?"

" _Harriet!"_

* * *

 _1622 Local_

 _Heading toward the Roberts' Residence_

 _Reston, VA_

Mac exited the highway and drove down the side streets to Harriet's home. She'd been lost in thought as Harriet fielded a phone call from her mother.

When would it be the right time for Harm to ask? She hadn't told Harriet, but she and Harm had been going to couple's counseling. It was partly due to Harriet's observation that she and Harm needed to work through a few things. They'd had another fight, the product of one of their million miscommunications and even as readily as they made up, they could see the truth in Harriet's suggestion. Then there was the admiral. He'd caught them arguing in the conference room after meeting with a client. He'd stood there silently for several seconds before he finally broke in. "Good god, you guys need marriage counseling and you aren't even married yet. I swear, you two will be the death of me!" He'd thrown up his hands in disgust and stomped off, leaving a stunned Harm and Mac behind. They'd broke into laughter but then Harm turned serious.

"He's got a point, you know. Maybe we should try it…we don't exactly fight fair…and for sure we've had our issues with communication. What do you think, Mac?"

Truthfully, it had crossed her mind before, but hearing Harm verbalizing it really brought the idea home. Mac readily agreed to it and within the week they'd had their first session.

It wasn't always easy, it certainly wasn't always fun, and they'd spent a few nights apart, not speaking, but the benefits far outweighed any of the rough parts. They were closer than ever, trust had largely been restored, and Mac knew she was getting closer and closer to being ready to wear her ring with all that it entailed.

Mac turned into Harriet's driveway and parked the car. Shifting toward Harriet, she thanked her for a wonderful day.

"You're welcome, Mac. And thank _you!_ Someday you'll realize the sheer bliss of a day without any children."

Mac chuckled, knowing Harriet wouldn't trade her kids for the world, even if she never had a moment to herself again.

Harriet opened the car door and slid out, turning and grabbing the garment bag holding her new dress. She shut the door but then leaned down to poke her head through the window.

"So…do you think he'll ask you at the Willard?"

"Harriet!" Mac laughed.

"I know, I know," Harriet said as she straightened herself up. "It'll happen when it happens."

* * *

It happened one Sunday in July. They'd just gotten back to her apartment after an early morning run and, not quite beating the heat of the day, they both looked forward to a cool shower. Just as they were about to head in the bathroom together, Mac's phone rang. Harm answered, and after saying a brief hello to Chloe, he handed the phone off to Mac. She sensed Chloe had something serious to discuss, something about a boy, so Mac decided it was best to speak to her in private. Mac took the phone with her into the bedroom, leaving Harm to sit on the couch and turn the TV on while he waited for her.

When she returned to the living room, she found Harm still sitting on her couch, feet up on the coffee table in front of him, watching a nature documentary. Mac looked at the television set just in time to see two lions mating, the narrator speaking in a monotoned British accent while he described the action on the screen. ' _Coitus is brief and perfunctory…'_

Mac was about to ask him why on earth he was watching that particular program when she was taken in by his look of utter concentration. He could be such an intense man, and he brought that intensity into everything he did…flying jets, defending a client, arguing with her…making love to her…but he was also incredibly kind and gentle. Mac felt her eyes fill at the sheer beauty of him.

It hit her then that the time for him to ask her to marry him was now. She loved him, always had, and that love had continued to grow stronger by the day. It was time for forever.

Silently, without catching his attention, Mac crept back into her bedroom and took the ring in its box out of her top dresser drawer. Heart fluttering, she returned the living room and sat down beside him. Harm was still focused on the documentary as she set the ring down on the table next to his feet.

She knew the moment he noticed the ring. His body tensed and he sat up straighter, slowly lowering his feet to the floor. "Now?" He whispered, looking over at her with widened, stormy green eyes.

"Now," she whispered in kind.

Harm nodded and picked up the little box. He opened it and removed the ring. "Stand up," he gently commanded. She complied, and even though she knew what was coming, as Harm knelt down in the cramped space between the couch and the table her eyes filled with tears.

Harm cleared his throat and took her left hand in his. "Mac…Sarah, I love you…so much. Will you marry me?"

"Yes…yes I will, Harm." He slid the ring on her fourth finger, closing his hand over hers when the ring was in place. He stood then, pulling her into his arms and placing a slow, loving kiss on her lips.

He drew back and stared down into her eyes.

"I love you, Mac."

She smiled through the happiest tears she'd ever shed.

"I love you too, Harm…for _eternity."_

 _End_

* * *

 _Well, there it is! Thanks for reading!_


	13. Epilogue

_A/N: OK, I had toyed with adding an epilogue, then decided not to, then a review mentioned one…and I decided I wanted to find out what happened to our favorite couple, so…jpstar57, this one's for you!_

 **Lost and Found**

 **Epilogue**

 _January 2, 2011_

It's incredible how mere seconds can change a life. If she'd left work ten seconds later or ten seconds earlier, she would have missed the little Toyota that hit the patch of ice coming in from the on-ramp. She wouldn't have had to swerve out of the way to avoid it as it careened into her lane, causing her to hit her own patch of ice. If she'd left ten minutes later the salt truck would have beaten her and perhaps that car wouldn't have slid out of control. Or if the driver of the Toyota had driven just a little slower…

She'd almost stopped off to pick up ice cream for the kids before picking up the twins at daycare; if she'd gone to the store, she would have gone to the daycare a different way and avoided that highway altogether.

Unfortunately, none of the if-thens mattered at this point. As her vehicle spun around, she was reminded of a moment several years ago when she'd slipped on some stairs, only to be caught by Harm's strong arms. He wasn't here this time to save her like he had so many other times before, and fragments of her life with him flashed in front of her eyes.

They married within three months of Harm's proposal, given she had gotten pregnant within a week of him putting the ring on her finger. She wanted to be able to fit into a real wedding dress and didn't want baby Rabb to be a bastard. Those were actually Harm's words; though only teasing, he hadn't counted on a hormonal Mac tossing him out of his own apartment because of them. He ended up spending the night at _her_ apartment, and it was a contrite Mac who met him at their weekly therapy session the next afternoon.

Thankfully, they'd had no further incidents like that, which was good considering Mac was moving out of her apartment imminently and moving in with Harm until they could close on their new house. They sold Harm's loft and were soon settled in a lovely home in Reston, not too far from Bud and Harriet.

The wedding was a small affair; they were married by Chaplain Turner with Bud as best man and Harriet as maid of honor. Mac was thrilled that the navy had shifted to their winter uniforms; as she was escorted down the aisle by the recently retired Admiral Chegwidden, the sight of Harm in his dress blues made her heart flutter. During the reception, several guests told Mac she was glowing, and she and her new husband exchanged many knowing looks. They hadn't told anyone yet about her pregnancy, and though Harriet suspected another reason for Mac's glow, no one else seemed the wiser.

Mac had transferred to the judiciary and was enjoying it immensely, more than she ever thought she would, and Harm happily remained in his current billet.

To Mac's chagrin, her secret was revealed a lot sooner than expected. Much to Harm and Mac's surprise, it turned out they were having twins-identical twins, no less. Joshua and Justin were born healthy, four minutes apart, on April Fool's Day 2005, and Mac and Harm settled into the busy life of parenting.

When Mac reached her twenty, she retired as a full-bird colonel just in time to welcome their third boy, David. All three of their boys looked just like their father and they were just as mischievous. The family transferred to Hawaii shortly after David's birth, and though they enjoyed it, they were glad when Harm was called back to Headquarters two years later to be the current JAG's right hand. It was a stepping stone to becoming _the_ JAG, if he wanted it, but after experiencing fatherhood and watching AJ deal with the political aspects of the job for all those years, he was pretty sure he didn't. Meanwhile, Mac went back to work at a family law firm.

Life had been good, great even, and as she saw the guardrail rushing toward her, Mac knew she would miss it. She sent a goodbye and and an I love you to her beloved husband and children, just as her car hit the guardrail with a sickening crunch.

* * *

 _1922 Local_

 _Reston Hospital Center_

 _Reston, VA_

Mac didn't wake up in hell, not that she really expected to, but she certainly didn't wake up in heaven-at least not any heaven she'd imagined. There was nervous energy all around her; it was noisy, and the lights were blinding. She realized she hurt all over, more so in her head, her left arm, and her right leg. That, more than anything, finally convinced her she was alive, and it caused tears of joy to leak from her eyes. The doctor and nurses mistook them for tears of fear or pain, looking at her strangely when she told them she was happy.

Her car was totaled, and it took some time to extract her from it, but miraculously, she had escaped major injury. She had a concussion, fractures in both bones of her lower left arm, and a fracture of the tibia of her right leg, and though she would need a lot of help in the coming weeks, she would recover.

Once Mac was settled in a room, all she wanted was her husband. He'd gone to Norfolk early this morning, but her nurse assured her he was on his way back and had made arrangements for the boys.

She had much to tell him.

Mac must have dozed for a good while, for when she woke up, Harm was by her side, gently holding her good hand in one of his and stroking her hair with the other.

"Hey," she croaked out, her mouth dry.

"Hey, yourself," he whispered, reaching for the styrofoam cup of ice water on the tray next to her bed and holding it for her to take a sip.

"Thanks," she said, dropping back on the bed. "Where are the boys?"

"AJ has the twins and Harriet is keeping David."

"Good."

"What happened, sweetie?" He asked, resuming the light caresses to her hair.

She told him about the Toyota, her swerving to avoid it, and her eventual crash into the guardrail. "I'm sorry about the car, Harm."

"Oh, god, Mac, don't worry about it. I'm just so glad you're okay. You scared me, Marine."

"Scared me too." She paused, not knowing how she was going to tell him the rest of her news. Finally, she decided to just say it straight out.

"Harm, I—I lost my ring…or the paramedics did when they took it off. They can't find it, Harm. I'm sorry." She choked up and Harm swiped a tear from her cheek.

"It's okay, Mac. I'll get you a new one."

"Oh, Harm, I don't want a new one…"

"I know, baby. I'm sorry." He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"There's more, Harm…don't be upset, but, um, I'm…" She looked up at the ceiling, stealing herself for his reaction.

"Sarah, honey, what is it?"

"Harm? I'm…pregnant." She watched his expression morph into one of shock, his mouth falling open while his grip on her hand loosened. _Oh no, he_ must _be upset_. "God, I'm sorry, Harm, I know this is, well, unexpected."

Harm shook his head, looking like he was trying to clear it. "Mac, I don't understand…"

"I don't know how it happened…or I guess I do but I thought—"

"No, Mac. I'm just wondering why you're sorry."

"You're, um, not mad?" She searched his face. He certainly didn't look mad.

"Oh, Mac, no. This is…well it's wonderful…but aren't you a little…uh…"

"Old?" She smirked at him.

"Well, nooo…but you are forty-two…isn't that…you know…um…uh, how far along are you?" It amused Mac to watch him try to backpedal and change the subject. She considered messing with him a little, but she was too tired and just a little too overwhelmed.

"They think about eleven weeks."

"Eleven? Shouldn't you have known by now? Missed a, well, you know…"

Mac started to blush. "I, uh, kinda thought I was starting menopause…"

Harm laughed. "Aren't you a little _young_ for that?"

She couldn't help but chuckle too. "Apparently, But I thought I was too old to…"

"Get knocked up? Well, maybe I'm just that good!"

Mac rolled her eyes, grimacing at the pain that elicited. She waved away Harm's concern. "I'm fine…really fine. I've been feeling great, none of that fatigue I had with the boys, and absolutely no nausea. If I hadn't seen it on the ultrasound, I wouldn't believe it."

Harm turned thoughtful. "Well, maybe we're going to get a girl this time."

Mac grinned at the thought. "I'd like that. I'm seriously outnumbered here."

"I hope she looks just like her mama. And has her mama's brains. I don't think we can handle a fourth kid with mine…"

"I agree. So, you're okay with this? Really okay?"

Harm bent and kissed her on the lips. "More than, my love."

Mac sighed in relief. She was secretly ecstatic about this unexpected pregnancy, and over the moon now that Harm was excited too.

As they had done a million times, they stared into each other's eyes, holding a whole silent conversation. Today had been rough, frightening, but also joyous, a day she'd never forget. Now, if they could just find her engagement ring, things would be perfect…well, as perfect as it could be with three broken bones.

Of course, thinking about the loss of her ring caused the tears to form in her eyes again. Harm squeezed her hand and opened his mouth to speak, but a knock at the door startled them.

Standing in the doorway with a big smile on her face was one of the ER nurses. She held in her hand a tiny golden object, and in an instant, everything _was_ perfect.

"Excuse me, did someone here lose a ring?"

* * *

 _July 18th, 2011_

 _0314 Local_

 _Bethesda Naval Medical Center_

 _Bethesda, MD_

"It's a girl!" The doctor's triumphant shout was music to Mac's ears. She watched Harm lean forward to cut the cord and then a squalling mess of arms and legs was placed on her chest, ending nine months of her easiest pregnancy yet. Her arms immediately gathered her baby closer to her as she felt Harm's go around them both.

She was in heaven. She blinked back happy tears as she gazed down at her daughter, counting all her little toes and fingers. She could already see a hint of Harm's smile in the baby as she worked her tiny mouth, but everything else was all her.

"She's beautiful, Sarah," Harm said as he leaned down to kiss her on the cheek.

"We have our girl," she answered in awe.

"Yes, we do, honey. I am so, so happy." He kissed her again. "Although I think David is going to be disappointed…" He treated her to his flyboy grin and Mac chuckled at the thought of their youngest boy.

"Yeah, she's certainly not a hamster, is she, Harm."

Just then, the nurse from the newborn nursery came up and stood at Harm's elbow. "Sorry, Captain Rabb, Mrs. Rabb. We need to check her over and weigh her and then we'll give her right back."

Mac reluctantly handed her daughter over and the other nurse in the room busied herself with getting Mac's bed back together and her in a clean gown. That accomplished, Harm pulled a chair up to the side of her bed and took her hand. "So, think we can decide on a name?"

Mac looked thoughtful. "I know we've never talked about this one, but I think she looks like a Kate."

Harm nodded. "I like that."

"Kate Aubrey," Mac continued. Harm repeated it, adding the Rabb at the end of it. His face lit up.

"I think it's perfect!" He kissed her on the lips. "Just like her mama." He kissed her again. "You know, July 18th is a fitting birthday for her…seven years ago today I asked you to marry me."

"Or I asked you to ask me," Mac said with a grin.

He grinned back. "Oh yes, how could I forget. Seven years ago today you asked me to ask you." The nurse reappeared holding Kate, now swaddled in a blanket.

"Ready to hold your daughter, Captain?" He nodded and the nurse placed the little six-pound bundle into Harm's eager arms, Mac smiling as she watched him cradle the tiny baby against his broad chest. She could already tell that their daughter, their Kate, had her daddy wrapped around her little finger. And once the boys got over their disappointment that she wasn't a hamster, she knew they would be just as enamored of her. Mac's heart was full.

* * *

 _1601 Local_

 _Bethesda Naval Medical Center_

 _Bethesda, MD_

Mac sat in the bed feeding her little girl. It was quiet now, but any minute her husband was about to return with three little boys, eager (for the most part) to see their new baby sister.

As she lifted Kate up to her shoulder the sunlight streaming through the window hit her engagement ring just right. It made the diamond and rubies sparkle even more brightly and once Kate was successfully burped, Mac laid the baby on her legs. She pulled the ring, which had been soldered to her wedding band, off her finger and tipped it so she could see the engraving. She ran the tip of her finger over the words, remembering the discovery of the ring, remembering a night and day of tears, the months of separation, both physically and emotionally, from her best friend, and then finally forgiveness and declared love. They still argued, they still got frustrated with each other, but over the years they had learned how to communicate, how to solve problems, without hurting each other. Life was good.

A commotion at the door interrupted her thoughts and she slipped the ring back on her finger, picking up Baby Kate as three Harmon Rabb clones peaked over the foot of the bed. It was hard to believe how much they all looked like their father, and if David were taller, the boys would be mistaken for triplets. Joshua and Justin wore uncharacteristically shy expressions, but the former baby of the family was scowling.

"What's wrong, David?" she asked.

His scowl deepened. "Daddy says we got a sister. I didn't wanna sister," the four-year-old declared, crossing his arms and looking so much like his father when he was irritated that Mac had to bite back a laugh.

"I know, baby, but I think you're really going to like her. Why don't you all come closer and meet your sister?" She motioned to her older boys as well, but while David inched forward, Justin and Joshua stayed back, obviously unsure about the situation in which they found themselves. Harm stepped up and put his hands on the twins' backs, gently nudging them closer to their mom. Harm then reached for Kate and sat down on the edge of the bed with her, the little boys gathering around him.

"Boys, I'd like you to meet your sister, Kate Aubrey Rabb. Kate, meet your brothers: that's Justin and there's Joshua, they're kinda hard to tell apart, so they'll try to trick you, but don't let them get away with it…" The twins both smiled identical half-smiles. "And here's David. He wanted you to be a hamster, but I know he'll like you much better-and Kate? You're going to love them."

Joshua and Justin finally smiled full identical flyboy grins, but David still frowned. He did, however, reach his hand out, his finger gently tracing Kate's dark, downy head. Before he could pull his hand back, his sister's arms started flailing, her tiny hand catching and then curling around David's finger. He looked up at his parents, his frown now a smile of unabashed wonder.

* * *

 _1832 Local_

 _Bethesda Naval Medical Center_

 _Bethesda, MD_

"Boys all settled in at Grandpa AJ's?" Mac asked Harm as he slipped his cell phone back in his pocket.

He nodded, coming over to sit on the bed with her. Kate lay in her bassinet nearby, sleeping peacefully. He reached for Mac's hand, twining his fingers through hers. "They're going to be so spoiled by the time we pick them up."

She leaned over for a kiss. "I don't doubt it." The former Navy SEAL was a complete pushover for his surrogate grandsons. It appeared he'd be the same with his new 'granddaughter' as well, if his reaction to meeting her for the first time was anything to go on.

They sat in companionable silence for a while, then Harm held their entwined hands up in front of them. His thumb brushed over his grandmother's ring. "This looks good on you."

She smiled and leaned her head against his shoulder. "So you've said."

"I have a little secret, Mac."

"Oh?"

"Oh yes, Mac. When we sat together during your uncle's trial, I looked over and caught sight of your marine corps ring and for a second I could have sworn it was this ring." He brushed his thumb over it again. "And it—it seemed right, Mac."

She shifted closer to him. "Oh, yeah?"

"Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of me."

She snickered at that. "You always did scare easy, Rabb. But boy, if you'd have just said something then, we could have avoided a lot of struggling."

"True enough, Mac. But then again, all of that shaped us into what we are today: a navy captain, assistant JAG, married to a retired Colonel and one of the most brilliant family law experts this town has ever seen, parents to the most wonderful little boys…and now to the prettiest little girl ever who looks just like her mama. If we'd have gotten together fifteen-sixteen years ago, if we hadn't had to face everything that we did…maybe we wouldn't be here like this today.

"I do know one thing though, Sarah…maybe we wasted a lot of time before I gave you the ring, but I loved you long before that, and on that ring, it says exactly how _long_ I plan to love you."

Mac met his gaze, answering his special smile for her with one of her own. "For eternity?"

He nodded and leaned in to kissed her.

"For eternity."

* * *

 _End. For real this time._


End file.
